Trust

So, I'm really bad at blogging. I used to write in here all of the time, but then I don't know what happened. I let like three months go inbetween posts. My last post was right after summer project. I feel like that happened a long time ago. What an amazing time of my life, that I will never forget...

I'm sitting here in a hotel lobby in Menominee, Michigan. I'm on vacation right now. It's my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary, and my Dad's side of the family is here - all of my grandparent's kids, their kids, and their great-grand children. It has been one of the true highlights of my summer. It's been amazing to see everyone again, after ten years. I was eleven the last time we were all together. I love my family to death, and I wish everyone lived closer together. It's going to be so hard to leave on Monday.

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, because it's all due tomorrow by midnight. I've been doing homework every day on this trip. In the grand scheme of things, I'll have taken twelve credits this summer so I can graduate by May. It's really hard to be motivated right now, especially on vacation, and I feel like I'm already getting senioritis. The more time goes on, the more I'm realizing I don't know myself, but rather, that my identity is found in Him. God has revealed that to me this summer more so than ever before in my life. So why is it that I still have such a hard time trusting? This word, trust - it's thrown around all the time, but I don't think I actually know what it means. Otherwise I still wouldn't doubt the Lord, doubt His purpose for my life, doubt that His plan is perfect, and doubt that whatever it is that He has for my life - it's going to be amazing, and far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

Ever since I changed my major in January, (to something that doesn't quite make sense) and stopped denying the fact that I don't want to be a music teacher, and really don't have a clue what's going to happen after May, my life turned upside-down. Everything in my life up until this point had been so easy... all of the steps had just been there set out in front of me. Seriously, my life was easy. This whole idea of actually relying on the Lord was foreign to me, and I thought I was actually "stepping out of the boat" by switching my major, and that God would miraculously reward me and show me what to do next by flashing neon green lights at me. Well, that's not exactly how it works, because if that were the case, well, then I think He would have told me by now. ;)

It excites me to know that He could do anything with my life in the next year. It excites me to know that in a year from now I KNOW that I will know what to do next, because God's gunna reveal that next step for me. But, how much do I really trust the Lord? Do I really trust Him at all? Am I willing to drop everything and really follow Him? What steps am I really willing to take in order to pursue after His own heart?

I know He will use anything to form it into His plan for my life, but I also know that I can't sit around and just wait anymore. It's time for me to actually start taking this whole "faith" aspect and put it into play. I need to start actually taking steps, and rely on the Lord, watching what He does. It still amazes me that the Creator of the Universe takes any interest in me at all - let alone has this relationship with me... so maybs it's about time I start trusting.

I need prayer, and I need to pray for my heart. I need to pray against lies and for protection, because I know the tendancies I do have - tendancies of timidity, and apprehension and doubt... and I don't want to lean toward those anymore or fall into any of satan's schemes.

I know God's got my back, I just need to believe in my heart that He is truly going to provide for me. I'm so glad His grace is always there for me.

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word. -2 Thesselonians 2:16