Summer

So I go home in two days. I just finished a paper that was due at midnight, and now I have a sight singing exam in the morning. Then I'm done. I'll be a junior, which is crazy in itself. It's a bittersweet feeling to almost be done. For one, I'm so glad this school year is all done. It's been mentally and physically draining - probably the most I've had to struggle with in a long time. These migaines and headaches have been really debilitating. So in this respect, I'm glad to be done. But on the other hand, I'm not excited to leave East Lansing. I hate saying goodbye to people, even if it is just for the summer. And for seniors, I know that life still does go on, but it's still hard. You get so comfortable with life, and then it has to change. I guess that's how it's going to be - afterall, this is life - but again, it's still really hard. I don't really like it.
I'm also really not looking forward to going home for the summer. I've tried to have a change of heart about it, but I have to say that honestly - the only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing Steph get to do all of her senior things. I'm excited to see her go to prom, and graduate, and give her speech, and her senior recital, and all of that stuff. But otherwise, I'm just not excited. I don't see what the point of it is. I don't see God's purpose for me right now, and in all honesty, I still wish I was going to Virginia Beach. I want to go on Project so bad. I want to grow. I want to be challenged. I want to be in a community of believers. I want to be encouraged. I want to be discipled.

I guess I'm just frustrated. I'm unemployed right now, so all I'm going to be doing is taking summer classes (and online ones at that...) I don't want to sit around and twiddle my thumbs all summer. I know that I'm capable of not walking with Christ when I'm home. It's kind of happened my whole life. This is the first summer that I'll be going home as a renewed daughter of Christ. My hope is that I wouldn't falter, and I wouldn't stumble. But it's happened for 20 years of my life. I just don't want this to happen. I want to continue on this upward-path that God has set up for me this year. I'm afraid of doing this thing by myself, and being on my own this summer. I love the Body. I love fellowship. I love being pointed to truth and getting kicked in the butt when I need it. I don't feel ready for this year to end. It's been a good run. I don't want to leave.

Lord, change my heart. Reveal to me what Your plan is.

Rest

So it's all done. I played and passed my jury... and life hasn't stopped, and I'm still alive! :) I'm so thankful I can say that with a smile on my face. Had I not poured everything out to Him last night, I don't know if I would be feeling the same way. Oh well. Better late than never. It's funny how - even in the times where I'm not following after Him, and I'm feeling down and walloping and being stressed, He still grabs ahold of me - almost as if to shake me, and to show me that He's still my loving Father.

You showed me today just how in control You are of every situation. Thank you for calming me down when I was playing this morning. Once again You have proven to me that you are good and sovereign. Thank you for loving me, once again. You had this the whole time. Help me to see and recognize this on a daily basis so that I can draw closer to you.

Alrighty... bedtime is in my very near future plans. My pillow calls...

Barrier Jury

Right now I'm numb. I'm numb, but the nerves are also taking over my body. I'm nervous. It's silly though. There's no reason to be. I've played through this stuff a million times, so I should be fine. But I still feel scared to death. I need to trust that everything is going to be fine.

Father, I come to you empty. I have absolutely nothing to offer you, except through your hope, and through your everlasting love. Help me to understand and remember that you are with me. Comfort me tomorrow so that my mind is clear. Tomorrow is for you. Make my jury a time of worship - a time where I can give back to you, because you have provided me with the gift of music. Without you this gift is meaningless, and to try anything in my own strength would be useless. Lord, I know that I need you tomorrow. I can't do it alone. My body and my mind are not capable of anything. Unless You are by my side, I will fail, because without You I am nothing. Father, be with me. I am nervous. I have not lost heart, but I just need you to get me to that place of peace - that place of rest where I can sit in Your presence and worship You with my everything. Be with me Lord. Cover me with your love, and keep me safe in Your arms. I lift this up to you.

Here it goes...


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13

Jars of Clay

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:7-18

As long as I can keep my heart and my mind on the important things - on what is eternal - then this week, these finals, these chronic migraines, this barrier jury... everything will be fine.

I just need to let God convince me that it's all okay.

The migraines just really need to stop. End of story.

I'm done hoping and praying they'll go away. They're not going to.

:(

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
And I'll never understand it all
For only God is God
-God is God; Stephen Curtis Chapman

Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
My faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust when it hurts too much
On the days I feel like I've failed you,
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You, for I am Yours. I'm Yours
-I need to praise you; Kristy Starling

Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
-Psalm 124:8

Prasie the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever
-Psalm 117

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
-Psalm 51:10-11

I don't really know what to say. I don't have words. I feel empty. But I shouldn't because You are there. Help me to know this. Help me to come before you broken. Help me to be honest with you and open up to you, so that you can pour into me your love and mercy and strength and comfort. Help me to be renewed and restored in Your own strength, and not my own. I have been running on empty for a while now, and once again I am tired. And I am broken. I come to you seeking refuge. I come to you thirsty and weak. I come to your fountain - the Fountain of life, and I come looking for you to rescue me from this world. Your word says that "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," so Lord, I ask that you take my broken heart... take this brokenness, and take this worthless body, and fill it up with your holy spirit. Help me to use you as my strength this week. Because without You I will not be able to make it through. Do to me what your will and what your good, perfect plan holds. God, take me up on eagle's wings and save me. Save me from this pit. I cry out to you, for my hope is in You, and You alone.

Life

I signed up for my barrier jury yesterday afternoon. 10:45am on Tuesday, April 29th... I don't think I've felt this sick to my stomach in a long time.

The head's bad again tonight. I was sad...the closest I've been to crying in a while. But the tears still didn't come. I drove around for awhile around campus so I could get some thoughts out. I know my hope is in Him and I know that His grace is sufficient for me... but I have such a hard time praising Him through this. I don't run to Him, and my immediate reaction isn't to boast all the more gladly in my weakness, but rather, to let it defeat me.

Something at Riverview that was good to hear last night...

"Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
-Matthew 5:3

Maybe I should just go to God broken, and stop trying to be strong and act like everything is fine, when in fact I am in pain, and I need Him to help me. Maybe I should stop trying to bear the pain myself and let Him bear through it with me.

Sigh. I know God will whipe away all my tears when I get to heaven. Sometimes I wish I was there already. But I know that there's still work to be done here. I guess knowing that eventually the day will come when no pain will be felt is encouraging. But sometimes I don't want to bear it anymore. Hmm... But then again, Christ already bore that pain for me. So maybe I should be more joyful. Joyful in knowing that I don't have to feel this way. But the problem right now is, I do. I feel this way. I feel sad, and I feel a little bit broken.

I wish I could cry. I wish I could truly be broken before my Creator.
The day I get to see His face and know that I'm finally His... I don't think I will ever be as joyful as I will on that day. I can't wait.


Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
-Matthew 11:28-30

I haven't felt like crying like this in a long time. I wish the tears would just come. Maybe it would relieve some of the pressure off of my head...
I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind of emotions and my head won't stop spinning.

Pain

I want it to go away. I want the pain to go away. God, take away this pain.
I can't bear it anymore.

Light

Romans 13:9, 12, 14...

Love your neighbor as yourself; Put on the armor of light; Cloathe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ...

I need to be a light to those around me, so that they can see the Love of Christ shine through. I haven't been doing that lately. I need to learn how to be a light, despite the pain in my head. I don't think that means covering things up as if they were fine, but rather - surrounding myself in Truth constantly, so that I don't get to a point of extreme darkness. I've really been struggling lately, and I haven't been clinging to truth or emrsing myself in it like I should. That's probably why I feel so defeated - like there's no Hope when I get a bad migraine, or when intense questions of uncertainty and question and doubt fill up my mind. I tend to do the opposite and run in exactly the opposite direction, when I should be running toward the Light.

My head still really hurts. I'm trying not to let it make me sad, but it's hard. I'm trying to look upward toward heaven, but it's hard. I'm trying to tune out the lies that fill up my mind and heart in times of suffering, but it's really, really hard.

Lord, help me to cling to You in times of suffering; help me to experience the unconditional joy that the Word and Scriptures talk about. I know that I have been heading down the wrong path, because I can feel it in my heart. Lord, help me to rejoice in you when the pain in my head becomes so intense, that I cannot possibly function, unless it is through you. Help me to trust and know that You are God, even in my time of question and uncertainty. Lord, I want to experience you, and I want to feel you and feel your presence. Deep down in my heart, I want nothing less than to follow you. It is this mind and body that wants to do differently. So Lord, help direct and keep my paths straight. Make me whole again. Renew and revive me according to your loving kindess. Help me to know You.

I had to pull off at a gas station for a half hour on my way back to East Lansing today. I started seeing spots and my head was throbbing and shooting pains were all over my head and felt like lazer beams going through my face.

I can't do this anymore.

I give up.

comfort

Lord, I know you're there. But I am so broken. Show me your comfort. Show me that you can take away this pain. I feel so useless. This pain makes me vulnerable to the lies that are constantly being thrown at me. I've tried to trust, but it's been getting bad again. I've tried to trust and have faith that You are greater than any kind of pain, but I am in pain more than I'm not. I am tired and weary. I can't make it through the end of the year - through classes, through finals, and through my barrier jury with this pain. I can't. Lord, allow me to cry. I haven't shed any tears, and I've tried. But they won't come. All I want to do is let out this emotion, but it won't come. Lord, show me your comfort. Show me that you love me. Show me that you care. Show me that you have a plan for me. Take away this sadness that is within me when the pain is searing. Comfort me because I am blinded, and lost. Comfort me, because I am broken. I can't do this anymore.

questions

I'm doubting Him right now. I wasn't earlier. I was able to get into the Word and start out my day in prayer. It was a good day. Last night was good too. Bible study was really encouraging, and I was able to be renewed with the knowledge that, the Word needs to be my daily bread. It is our defense against the enemy, and it equips us with the tools to stand firm in our faith...but sometimes I start thinking way too much for my own good, and my mind wanders. I should probably get these questions I have actually written out...

What is the point of prayer? I know we're supposed to present our requests to God and talk to Him. But if God knows all of our thoughts and He knows everything we need and want, then I guess I don't see the point all of the time.

Why did God create us to begin with? I know that He doesn’t need us. He could just live without us. So why are we here? Sometimes I feel like I’m really, really small.

Why did God harden Pharoah’s heart? What about Judas? I know He used both of them to carry out His plan, but what about them? The word says God is just, and I do believe that He is. I know our minds can’t possibly comprehend everything about God because He is so great, but I do struggle with these things. Sometimes these things hold me back from worshiping, or even being able to pray or read the bible – being able to fully see God.

Why was I chosen? The bible says that we are His chosen people. So what does that mean for those that don't ever come to know Christ? Were they not chosen? So if they weren't chosen, do they really have the free will to choose God if they didn't have a choice to begin with?

This next question, I’m almost ashamed of writing down. But it’s been bugging me for years, and I think it’s time I actually articulated it. Now, I know the word says that God is worthy of all praise and everything is to be done for the glory of Him. Now, maybe I’m just being ignorant, but sometimes I wonder why. Like, does He just do things to get glory for Himself? Again I'm ashamed - but I see it as Him being a little selfish (I hate saying that and am very ashamed). Maybe I’ve missed something, or maybe I’m just being stupid, but I truly only want to find the answer to this question, so my heart can be at ease when I’m singing worship music at Real Life… or when I’m praying… or when a friend tells me I need to do something for the glory of God. I’m tired of having feelings of resentment toward my Creator.

There's so many more questions that I have, and some doubts, but I don't want to write everything down right now. I feel like that would be overwhelming. I don’t know if I’ll ever find the answers to all, if any of these questions. However, I do know that I want to feel at rest. I have been bringing these things to God, just maybe not often enough, because they’re still there. My heart still aches. I have moments – even days at a time, like yesterday, where everything will seem fine. But then I’ll have moments – like today where everything comes flooding back into my heart and mind. This is when my head hurts the most. I just want these things to go away.

Lord, I pray that you would lead me into a place where I have full confidence of your being and your greatness. I pray that you would lead me into a path of lightness and peacefulness, so that I might have a time of praise for you, free of doubt and question, and my mind solely focused on You… the One who created the heavens and the earth, and the One who created me. Lord, I want to hang in there, yet I feel like I am failing once again. Bring me back to you, for the path of darkness is a lonely path. I have seen it, I loathe it, and I want nothing less than to experience you. Help me to understand.

overwhelmed

I'm feeling a little defeated today. I'm believing the lies, and I know it. Satan knows it too.

This is about the time of year when I just don't feel very settled. I'm overwhelmed because there's so much pressure I feel like, with school right now. My jury is in three weeks, and I don't feel like I'm prepared. I want to hang out with people and still have a life, but I feel like the only thing I can do right now is live in a practice room. That makes me depressed. This is why I am not a performance major. I could never do it. I'm sad because friends are graduating, and I feel like it's unfair, because I haven't had that much time with them. I feel like God's done that this year. He's put some amazing people in my life, only to take them away next year. I know that people come and go, and there are seasons of different people that are in your life for different purposes, and yes - since we all have Christ we will see each other again. But since I can't see all of what God is doing, I'm a little bit sad I've only had such a small amount of time. I feel like this year God has grown so many friendships, and in such a short amount of time... it's been incredible actually. But now, lots of those people aren't going to be around next year. I know God will keep those relationships - which is comforting, but I can't help but be a little bit sad...

I've been thinking a lot about my major lately. I talked to a friend on Saturday about it, and I'm not sure what to think right now. I think I might have some sort of indication, but I don't know for sure. Do we ever really know for sure? Is there a point? I don't know if I'm being pulled in a certain direction or not. Music ed. has just been so discouraging lately. And the thing is, I used to love to teach. Secretly, I think I still do. But things haven't been so great, so I've completely lost the passion for it all. Lately I like to make myself think that right now I'm motivated more for school, but I know that it's only because I know I'm in a time crunch, and if I don't get it together, then things might not turn out very well. Where I'm a little confused is this... I don't know if there's not anymore passion or drive for music education because it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, or if God's just testing me. I guess I should probably pray about it.

I had an advising appointment today. If I were to switch to music therapy I would graduate a semester earlier than I would with a music ed. degree. It's comforting to know too, that I don't have to make a decision till next semester. If I switched my major today, I would only be able to take one therapy class because of where all the classes fall during the year. So I think I'm going to take it anyways, just so I can get a feel for what music therapy is. Okay, I'm done talking about this. I don't want to think about it right now.

I read some awesome scripture today out of Romans 5 and Isaiah 40...

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

-Romans 5:1-5

In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken... All men are like grass and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

-Isaiah 40:3-8

I think it's cool that Hope doesn't disappoint us. Let me say that again (sometimes I don't quite get it, and I have to repeat things to myself multiple times in order to truly understand... haha): When we have the Hope of Jesus Christ - our Savior and Lord, it will, and He will never fail us. Everyone and everything else in the world can, and will disappoint us at some point. And without Jesus Christ, this can seem discouraging. But, it's actually encouraging to know that there is someone there who can always be called upon... someone that I can always count on. And even when I don't call on Him, He's still going to be there and love me no matter what.