hope

I'm really trying to rely more on God. I'm trying to trust Him, because I'm so tired of feeling so defeated. Recently my friends have been pointing me to the Word and to God. It's been really good for me to hear, even though sometimes, I don't want to hear it. I feel so defeated, that I don't care for anything. I don't care to hear Truth, and I don't care to seek God. And it's in these times that I'm so thankful for the Body of Christ. We aren't called to do this thing alone, and I just thank God for that. We don't have to wander through things alone. We can ask each other to be accountable for one another, always seeking after Him. And when I'm being pointed to Truth all the time, eventually God's going to use that, and then I'll be able to do it on my own.

I'm really tired right now. I haven't felt this tired in a while. I don't think I've gotten more than eight hours of sleep total this week. It's crazy how fast the homework and life can pile up. So far I haven't lost it yet, which is good. I think it's by the grace of God that I'm doing okay. Sometimes I do wonder in the morning how I'm going to get through the day. Actually I do know for sure - it is by the Grace of God that everything turns out okay in the end.

I've been having a hard time with something lately, and I've been trying not to think about it all semester. But since the end of the school year is drawing near, I can't help it. A few of my good friends are graduating in a few weeks, and I can't help but be a little bit sad. I'm glad that at least we're sisters in Christ. So it's comforting to know that we'll forever be friends, and one day we'll be living in eternity together...forever. But for now, I do become a little uneasy at the idea of not seeing them, and living different lives. I'm afraid of change, I guess. I've never liked it. Sometimes I get really frustrated that last year, I didn't know anyone that I do now. It's awesome that this year, so many things have changed, and so many things have gotten better, and I love MSU now. But sometimes I wish I would have met everyone last year, shared the same memories, and become close with people - only to strengthen those relationships this year. Sometimes I do wish that I would have not rejected God completely last year, and that I wouldn't have been so closed up. But then in reality, I wouldn't take that experience back, because without it, I wouldn't have struggled. And without struggle, everything would be perfect. And if everything were perfect, then what would the point of God be? I know that sometimes now, I wish God would take all of this doubt and pain and uneasyness from me. I don't like it, and I don't like having to deal with it. I guess I can take comfort though, in the truth that God's using the struggle and the pain so I can lean on Him, and so He can mold me and make me into the woman of God that He intends for me to be. And in doing this, I can draw closer to Him. That's what a walk with God means. The more you grow closer to Him, the more like Jesus you become. No - we'll never be perfect, but even resembling just a small part of Him is far greater than anything else.

I can't believe there's only three and a half weeks of school left. It's really crazy to think that in a few weeks, I'll be a junior - an upperclassman in college. That's crazy. What's also crazy, is I feel like I'm back to square one in terms of figuring out what I want to do with my life. Things have gotten so discouraging on the music ed. end of things, that I'm not sure if it's what I want to do anymore. It's hard, because music is all I've ever done with my life, and I haven't gotten the chance to get out there and experience other things. So I feel pretty inadequate to do anything else at this point. It's hard too... because so much money is factored in too. I think right now I might be thinking of the possibility of music therapy. But I don't know much about it. I guess I should probably find out more about it before I make a decision.

My head really hurts a lot. But I figured something out. It'll all be over soon. Headaches aren't eternal, and in heaven, I'm not going to have these migraines anymore. For now here on earth, I might suffer a little bit. And sometimes it will get to be really discouraging - but not unbearable. Because in Christ anything is bearable, and we can find rest in Him despite the pain. I know one thing for sure - in heaven, it's going to be so perfect. All of these worries of life and complications that seem to make it so hard sometimes are all going to pass away, kind of like the physical being of our bodies. Everything of this earth will stay here. But our hearts and souls, which are eternal will go to heaven, where our home is. Once we get there, we will get to dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and it's going to be amazing. I'm looking forward to it. My heart longs for it.

truth

Saturday night was good, but really convicting. At church, I started to get a headache, and during worship, the questions started to overwhelm me and take over my thoughts. For my entire life, this is what has always happened in worship. It's always been really hard to let go, and to truly worship God. I long for that peace - to be able to do that, whith nothing but holy and pure thoughts in my mind. But I could not get myself to that point, and after feeling (and letting myself feel) defeated, I gave up. This is what often happens - I let Satan get to me, and I let him conquer my thoughts and feelings. This is my greatest struggle... clinging to Hope and Truth in times of struggle. (Being still before God is also a struggle, and I think it goes hand in hand with clinging to Truth). I let my feelings overtake my mental capacity - feelings of hopelessness and lonelyness, and pain when my head hurts - when instead, I should be looking to Truth the most during these times. Why is it then, that when I need the truth of God to protect me most (when I need that to overtake my thoughts and mind), that I don't seek it? I don't seek after God, and I allow myself to fall. This has to change. I need to wear the armor of God, like it says in Ephesians 6:

vs. 10-17:

[Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests...]

In looking at this passage, and in listening to what a good friend was telling me Saturday night, I know that I always need to be surrounding myself in Truth. I need to keep seeking after Him in times of trial. And I need to not give up in times of trial. And, my prayer to Him needs to be (as much as this would be absolutely wonderful...) not to take away all questions and doubts in my life, but rather - to ask Him to guard my heart when I'm not in the right state of mind, and when I am doubting Him. Without trial and conflict, everything would be perfect. And if everything were perfect, then we wouldn't need God. And I think God wants me to struggle with these things, and faced with them because He wants me to rely on Him. The trouble is, these days I find myself more in question than I do in faith. Hopefully I'll have a change of heart soon...

So I guess I need to pray, always seeking God, especially when I'm doubting Him. I need Him to help me, and pull me through this mess. I hate the uneasyness of it all.

Lord, help me. I know You are there. I know You are true to your promises and I know that you do not leave your children alone. But Lord, I need you to help me see that. I'm not always in the right state of mind, andw when I'm not, I need you to remind me that you're there. I need You to show me that you love me, and that everything is going to be okay. I need you to change my heart, and make it more like yours. In times of doubt, and especially in worship and prayer, give me the strength to be able to come to you, even if I feeel like I can't. Because your word says that when I seek you with all my heart, I will find you, and I know wthat's exactly what Satan doesn't want me to do. So Lord, with your armor, help me fight this battle. I put my complete trust in You. Change my heart, and renew my mind. Save me from this empty pit, and reveal yourself to me.

Lord, please... I beg you to take away this pain. You are sovereign above all. I know You don't want me to feel this way. You want Your child to be at ease. But God, I cry out to You because I am not. I'm falling apart, I am broken, and I am nothing.

broken still

I don't know what else to do anymore. I'm losing heart. I am angry. I am sad. I'm weary and heavy laden. I don't see the point. I have lost heart. Everything seems useless. Everything seems meaningless. I have become dysfuctional when the pain is at its full force. So many things are on my heart. So many things are making my head hurt. I don't like what this summer looks like. God has a plan. I can't see it. So I dread it, because I know myself and I know the two potentials of what it could be. I don't have faith. Even though He has proved Himself time and time again and pulled me out of the pit of emptiness and darkness, I find myself here now. I feel like I have lost sight of all things that are good, and perfect. I don't like the place I'm in, and I long, once again to be in His arms. Everything is so blinding. This pain is blinding.

Broken I run to You, for Your arms are open wide

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life

So I'll wait for You, and I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

crossroads again

Woah, I have a lot on my mind right now.

Florida was good. It was good to get away from Michigan, where I was starting to feel suffocated. And the warm weather was definitely amazing. And I loved Disney World. I love that place.

I had a lot of time to reflect on things and think about things when I was in Florida. Like, when we were standing in all the long lines for the rides and shows and stuff... I was just thinking. I did a lot of thinking on this trip. I kinda wish I hadn't, because it made the trip less enjoyable, and I was a little restless, and wasn't able to completely enjoy myself. But I guess that's what I get for leaving right in the middle of the semester, knowing there's so much to do.

I got sick the second day I was in Florida. I have this horrible cold and cough and runny nose. And the flight back to East Lansing from Orlando was absolutely unbearable. My head was splitting. It still kind of is.

I kinda just want rest - you know? Like the kinda rest you feel, when you know everything is okay, and you have nothing to worry about. But my mind works twenty-eight hours a day. It's on constant overload, and I don't know how to stop it.

Before I left for Florida, some things became clear to me - things I was afraid and still am afraid to face. I need to get out what's in my head on here, because I feel like my thoughts aren't very coherant, and they need to be not floating around anymore.
Last summer, I finally was starting to "see" God for the first time in my life, and come to terms with who He was, and that yes, He indeed is real and very much alive. The doubts and questions I had for eight years didn't seem important to me anymore because there were things far more important, and everything began to look so small. So I'm coming to find now, that these things are still in the back of my head. Yes, it's different now because I know the Truth, and I know God is very much alive in me. But, sometimes these questions and doubts literally haunt me. Since I haven't dealt with them directly, and just assumed everything was fine and I didn't need to face them, I began to think that everything was okay. I made myself believe that I had a sort of peace about everything, when in reality I never did, and I still don't. I was believing a lie that I created for myself, and now I find myself at a crossroads once again. I allow these things to get between me and God, even though He is more important and sovereign than these things. Sometimes, I can't even pray, or sing worship music at Real Life or SCF, because I'm thinking about these things. I really am almost ashmed to admit these things, because I feel like I've been putting up a front - like I have it all together. But I don't. I'm a mess. How come the truth sometimes feels like it's not enough, and why is it that I still continue to struggle with questions and doubts, even though I know that I'll never know the answers to everything? And I feel like it's a cycle almost - like, I find myself unable to pray because I am distracted by everything. So how am I supposed to ask the Lord for guidance or help? On top of it, the migraines keep coming, and all I want is for the pain to go away.

Jesus, I am broken still. Realizing the lies I have been believing this year hurts. It hurts a lot. Lord, I truly do want to be in Your arms. But I feel like I am blinded all the time from Your truth. I know this is not of You. I know that what you want for me is only the best. Your word says that You have plans to prosper me, and not to harm me - that I have a hope and a future through You. So I know that You just want me to feel better, and I know that all that You want is for me to see You. But Lord, I come to you weary, and heavy laden. These headaches and these migraines are unbearable. Lord, they overtake my thoughts, and I have such a hard time focusing on You and Your truth when my head is pounding. I also find these questions and these doubts blinding. I know this is Satan beating me down. And Lord, I am not strong enough on my own to get rid of this lies and to overcome the sin. I need You to help me. I need you, Lord. I don't know what else to do.

broken

It's 1 am... on a Monday night. I am so restless right now, and I should be in bed asleep, because I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. But I'm not, and instead I'm sitting here over-analyzing and pondering things, like I'm so good at doing.

Watching The Passion last night was numbing. When I watched it four years ago, it was meaningless to me. I didn't really get it. In fact, this is the first Easter in my entire life that I am confident of who God is, and I think it's the first Easter for me as a christian. So it's a lot more meaningful to have Christ's blood and God's grace and to be given these gifts, and then to be able to see this gift given in pain and suffering - but in love through the movie tonight. Some of those scenes are so hard to watch... but my favorite part of the entire thing is when Jesus raises Himself from the dead, and then His perfect shining face is shown along with His gentle eyes. It's exactly how I picture Jesus.

At Riverview on Saturday night, I really enjoyed the sermon. We've been studying Solomon and his life. We also talked about the places to find meaning, and where the wrong places are to search for this. One of the things that was mentioned was angst with God. It's so funny, because this is what I've been struggling with. Whenever I have a problem with God, or I'm a little frustrated with Him, I lose the willingness to pursue Him and just have faith. I stumble, and I stray off the path that keeps my life straight. I've really been struggling lately. With my constant headaches, and then also with things in my life. I feel like things aren't quite right, and I'm not quite right with God. Sometimes I look back at some of the things I was struggling with a year ago, and though those things might be in the past and my scars are no longer wounds, they still burn. How come the truth sometimes feels like it's not enough? And, why is it that I still struggle with questions and doubts even though I know that I'll never know the answers to everything? I know God is just, and I know our minds can't possibly comprehend everything about God, because He is so great. But I still struggle with these things. Sometimes these things hold me back from worshipping, or even being able to pray, and fully see God. I know that this is Satan at work trying to get in between my ears and lead me back down the path of darkness, and I need to ignore him. But when I feel so defeated, I let him torture me, and do what he wants to me. I know that God gave me absolutely as much as I could have possibly handled last year, and then he put his arm into the pit I was in, and reached out to hold me and bring me back. And, I know God'll never let me go that far again, because I can't handle any more than that. But sometimes I let these questions dictate my feelings toward God. And I know that this isn't right, and I need to just trust that everything is going to be okay.

I wish I had the faith that Job did. How he was tested - to the very brink of his faith, yet he was still able to say at the end of the day, "blessed be the name of the Lord." He obeyed everything, and still trusted in the truth - that God is good, sovereign, and loving, and in control of all things.

The day I can fully come to grips with this is the day I think that things will change.
For now, I am just a college student with feelings of uneasyness, inadequacy and frustration. I know who God is. I love Him, and for the first time this year I do have a relationship with my Father. But in the times I get discouraged, and I feel so defeated - sometimes, as much as I am ashamed to admit - I wonder if this is all worth it. I know I need to cling to truth in times of struggle, but when I'm so far down and when the father of lies has kicked me time and time again, I don't feel like I can fight back anymore.

Father, Rescue me, and take me up on the mountain top with wings like eagles, and surround me with Your warmth and love. I am so broken and I need you.

loss for words

I feel so empty. I know that I need to ask my heavenly father for strength, and I need to have faith that He can take away the pain in my head, but it's just so hard. I know God is sovereign, yet I feel blinded, and I feel like things are spinning out of control. So many things are on my mind, and so many things I am not giving to God, but am taking into my own hands - or rather, I just let sit here and collect till I get to this point... this point of brokenness of which I feel absolutely inadequate to do anything. It's all so waring on my heart and mind, and I'm at a loss for words.

Lord, help me today. Take away this pain and renew me because I am useless.

Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again

brokenness

I am broken.

Lord, help me. This head and this body are useless. My head is constantly in pain, and I need You to take it away. I am blinded by the pain. It's so hard for me to see You through when I am blinded. The stresses of this world and this life have brought me to the edge and I cannot take it anymore. Allow me to cry. These emotions have built up and I cannot carry them anymore. Take it away. I am nothing.

love story

I was going back through some old emails in my inbox from last year, because my msu email account is almost full. I came across an email. It was written in January of 2007 - probably one of the most depressing months of my life. At the time, I was doubting God - His existance - His everything. I didn't know what to believe, because everything I thought I knew and grew up with was a lie. I was the most lost I've ever been in my entire life, and honestly - it was probably the hardest time I've ever had to go through. This email was to my high school youth pastor. At the time, he was the only one who knew about any of this. This is just a portion of the email, but it shows just how lost I was...

Why do we praise God in the first place? I know that He created us, because He wanted to love us and have us live with Him for all of eternity. Maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture and the reasoning behind it.
The other question/questions I have, are ones that have to do with my doubt and lack of belief. To you, do you think that I sound like someone on the verge of atheism? I know you've had a lot of experience, talking to different people, and helping a lot of different people - so I thought I would ask you. Do you really think there is any hope for me turning around and going back God? I ask this, because I've heard the phrase that "God chooses his people." This got me thinking: Well, what if I'm just not meant to believe this whole thing? What if it's not in God's plan for me to ever understand, and truly come to know Him? This is what scares me most, and makes me feel like there is no hope. And because I have been struggling with this for so long, sometimes I truly believe that I'm never going to submit myself to the virtues of christianity and simply, have faith.
I honestly don't know what's holding me back anymore, and why I won't just believe and completely dedicate my life and have faith. I want to trust and obey, and believe, but I feel as if I'm being pulled back - almost blinded from what I feel should be right, and blinded from everything I've grown up with and everything I've always known. I really want to get past this, but I don't know if I ever will. Right now, it seems a little bit hopeless, especially with the ways that I've been thinking.
I just feel like everything is so confusing right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm ever going to get through this, and fully understand what I thought I once did. I also am struggling with prayer. I feel like I can't pray, when pray is faith-based, and I don't have the faith to begin with. There is so much right now, going on with my life that I would like to get help with (talk to God for answers), but if I don't truly believe then I don't see the point. I feel like I'm kinda stuck, and can't pray (because I don't have the faith or trust) to get the answers I need to overcome this trial I'm currently going throgh.
I understand if you don't have time right now to answer these questions. I really feel like it's a hopeless cause right now...I'm not quite sure.
___________________________________

When I read this, I am overcome with emotion...absolutely overcome. Not only did my God rescue me from this mess, but He has delivered me into everlasting life, and has been at constant work in my life. I am His child, and I don't deserve it. I didn't deserve to be rescued because of the sin seeping from me. But God is full of grace, and all that sin He was carrying on His shoulders when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane, and then all of the sin He carried up on His shoulders as He lay there dying for everyone's sin for the rest of time...and then there was my sin too, and my doubt and lack of belief - my lack of faith, and my lack of His existence. It was all washed away. 2,000 years ago it was washed away. That's what He did for me.

Right now the song, "My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin just came on my computer. Couldn't have been more perfect...

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
--------

When I look at how the Lord has worked in my life in just a short year, I am confident that He can do anything. He is sovereign and in control of all things. We shouldn't fear anything.

There is no fear in love.

Things

This is my first post in here. I've had a xanga and a livejournal since I was in high school. I just thought it was time for a change.

Right now I'm listening to the song, "I need to Praise You" by Kristy Starling...

Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason,
there just has to be
'Cause my faith is strong,
till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

A good friend showed me this song last week. I've been listening to it a lot ever since. It shows how much we need to turn to God all the time - whether that be when things are going well, or things are going crappy. I need to listen to the lyrics of this song more carefully, because things in my life right now aren't exactly stellar. One thing I think God's trying to teach me right now is to rejoice in my suffering - to rejoice in the Truth of Him, and to rejoice in knowing that I am going to heaven, I am His, and He has saved me. That should be enough to get me through each day, and the other things that come along shouldn't make me stumble, and they shouldn't cause me to become sad, or anxious, or stressed.

I'm getting ready to go back to school in a little bit. My things are packed up, and I'm going to drive back so I can work on my research project I neglected all of break. I always get really excited to go back to MSU... I just love it there. I love the community of girls that have become my family in west circle. I love having a christian roommate, and I love having accountability right down the hall if I need it. A couple of those girls have become my older sisters, whom I look up to - people I can go to with spiritual advice and questions - girls who are more mature than I am in my faith. God has created quite the community there. It's pretty incredible. I think I'm going to be a little sad when this year ends. I know God has something else in store for next year, but a couple good friends are graduating, and since we spend so much time together and we have fellowship together it's just hard to imagine life without them there.

I'm excited to hear about all of the trips that people went on - between Panama City Beach, Chicago, and Turkey, I'm anxious to hear the things that God taught them. It'll be cool to hear stories of the ways God worked this week. I wish I had gone on a spring break trip. I felt like this break was really frustrating, because I didn't do a whole lot. I spent the entire break working up courage to talk to my parents about summer project, and the reasons I want to go on it, but I still didn't. Everytime I was about to and had enough guts to actually face them, they would say something, or something would happen that would cause me to close up and get frustrated with them. Satan was definitely at work this week, and I'm not sure I did everything in my power to prevent him from succeeding. I've let him knock me down one too many times, and it's time I actually started sticking up for myself, claiming the name of Jesus upon him. I don't do that enough and I can tell, because I do find myself feeling pretty defeated and feeling insignificant and inadequate, more-so than I ever should. Satan can be a pretty good liar sometimes.

I went to the doctor to get my head checked out this week. All the results and bloodwork came back normal, so technically there's no explanation as to why I've been getting migraines and headaches for three solid months. My doctor says to stay away from caffiene and chocolate... that was disappointing. I guess there's no hope for me in the morning anymore... haha. I'm just going to have to monitor these headaches and hope they go away eventually.

Alright, I guess this is good enough for a first post. I need to get dressed now and drive back up to school.

Lord, I need you. I need you to fill the every longing of my soul and make me whole again. I love you. Thank you for this day, and thank you for giving me this life. Help me to make you part of my everything, and help me to love you more than I do right now. I want to surrender my entire life - my entire being to you. But I need you to help me. Lord, I need you.