My hope is in You

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)

As my Father, You ask me to wait... You've made that clear. Anything I've tried to figure out on my own in my life this far, I've just screwed it up... or You've let me know that You want something different by throwing me some sort of curveball. This last one hit home. And right now, it stings. It hurts... it doesn't feel good. But, You ask me to obey You, and I guess at this point, it's all I can do. Because everything else is so unclear and I have no idea what anything means, all I can do is cling to what I know is true... and that is You,

Abba, help me to do that. Help me to trust You, and to wait on You. Help me to trust that everything will be okay, and that You've already got it covered.

As Your child, I'm gunna try to do that. I'm going to try and trust You... trust that Your going to give me guidance and clarity. But I need Your help.

I know You are good. I know You love me. I know You have not led me here alone and You will always be in the boat with me... right alongside me. You promise to never leave Your children... be with me when I am brokenhearted, and show me Your comfort. I need You more than ever right now.

Thank you for Your sovereignty and for Your love.

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough.

Let me not be put to shame...

Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much

I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. (Psalm 40:8)

Father this is my desire, to honor You... to do Your will... to follow You all the days of my life.

But I'm scared out of my mind. I don't truly know or understand what this means. You've changed what I've thought was a path... You've thwarted this path. And I don't know what to do anymore.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame...
Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)

Abba, guard my heart... guard my heart.
Help me cling to what I know is true.
Otherwise I have nothing else.

Good and upright is the Lord...He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness... (Ps. 25:9-10)

I have no idea what You want with me, and with my life. I have no idea what You have planned, and I don't know when I'm going to learn that You are God, I am not, and I can only see a part of the picture that You are painting. But it's painful and I have nothing left. I have nothing left but to hold on to you. I need Your strength because I cannot do this on my own! Take my hand and remind me that You're there, holding on to me. Lord, can You remind me of Your love? I need You to show me. Remind me that You are always there... in the boat with me... carrying me through each storm that I trudge through.

Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. (Ps. 25:20-21)

Father, it is Your arms that I fall into. Hold me close, because I am quick to forget that You are there. Dry these tears, put strength back into my bones, and put the broken pieces back together - these broken pieces that You somehow intended on fitting together in the first place.


Where is the power, to give what I gave?
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands

Elf Yourself!!!

So, I was bored today and made this video.
I don't think I've laughed so hard in such a long time...
:):):)

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Freedom

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
-Galations 5:1

I am just really amazed by this verse. It's amazing to me that my God - my Jesus loves me for absolutely nothing. I think sometimes people get a skewed view that there's some sort of price to go along with such an awesome gift. We live in a society today that says that nothing is for free. Everything costs something. There's always a catch because nothing could be that great.

But Jesus tells us that all we need to do is believe that what He says is true:

I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life.-John 6:47

I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.-John 11:25:26

This world is satan's advocate to tell us otherwise... to tell us that we need more in order to earn favor with God - to earn His acceptance... in order to gain salvation. He tries to tell us these things so that we feel guilty, so that we think it is an impossible task - something that is unattainable... never to be reached.

But it's a lie. In fact it's quite backwards from what the Word says... from what God tells us. Because, It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. :)

His gift is free to us, and is absolutely amazing. Nothing else is like it.

He gives us this free gift because He loves us so much, and because He wants us to be His little children... He wants this gift to be free because He wants us to go to heaven. He wants us to live with Him on those streets of gold, and dwell with Him forever!

He wants us to experience this:
"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:3-4

What a loving Father... that He would send His only Son to die for us... His free gift to us because He loves us and wants us to be His. How beautiful...

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

Everyone needs to watch this...

Discomfort

It's been a while.

I'm listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album by the Vince Guaraldi Trio, and it's wonderful. I love Christmas. Since I was born in December, I think I'm natually just a sucker for Christmas music, snow, Christmas trees, Christmas decorations, Charlie Brown, sappy Christmas movies, and making Christmas cookies. I'm a Christmas bum... I'm okay with it.

Earlier this afternoon I was sitting at my laptop looking at my schedule for next semester, planning out each day of the week like I usually do, just to get a feel for what my schedge is gunna look like to see if I need to make any changes. I'm not sure what to do anymore. In figuring out my schedule for next semester and looking ahead, it just doesn't look appealing to me. It's overwhelming. I know that I've never felt secure about this major. In fact, I've always felt a bit more uneasy than sure about it. I feel as though God has shown me more about life than more about my major in these last few years. I have learned so much about the heart of God, and that there's still so much that I need to learn, and so much that I will learn in time.

In college I feel the one thing God has really revealed to me and shown me is a desire to help touch people's lives and show them that there is a hope that they don't know about - especially those that have never heard the Gospel before, or those who have never truly understood it or have been given that chance to make the decision to follow Christ, or simply - to want to learn more about Him. I feel like God has formed my character and my heart in college, way more than anything else - way more than my comfort. After all, comfort would mean that I would know exactly the path for which my life is going to follow. Comfort would mean that I would feel secure right now in my major - in music - and in my life. Comfort would mean that halfway through my junior year, and at almost 21 years old, I would have a career path definitely in sight. But if I were comfortable, would I be stretched? Would I be allowing God to be at work in my life if things always seemed to be completely under control, and if I had a glimplse of everything down the road that was going to happen? I don't think so. If I was comfortable, these monstrous migraines also wouldn't be a part of my life. Everything would be perfect.

The bottom line is that God is at constant work, and it's okay to feel uncomfortable. It's okay if things don't make sense to me right now.
He promises me this:

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father. And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life... eeryone who has been born of God overcomes the world." -1 John 2:24-25 & 5:4

He also says this in the Old Testament:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." -Jeremiah 29:11-14

For the first time it's all making perfect sense. I have overcome this world (as uncomfortable as I feel right now), because of the incredible love of Christ, and His blood that has already been shed. But for those that don't know this same love that I do, they have not overcome the world and don't have the same joy and the same hope that I have to look forward to. And their discomfort in this world looks a lot different than mine. I guess this is why I want to show people Jesus, so that they can see that living life each day is worth it, even when it doesn't seem like it is sometimes. I guess my discomfort right now is just a mere chapter in the eternal life story that God has for me, so it's okay to not have everything figured out (because God does), and it's okay for me to be uncomfortable for a little while for His sake, so that His love might be shared.

Ultimately, He knows everything, and I do not. He is sovereign, and I am not. He knows way more about my life than I do, and He knows way more about my well-being and my heart than I do. So if He's going to rock my world right now with this major, then it's okay. Even though it looks a little bit rocky, it's going to be okay. I know I can take comfort in knowing that in the long run He's got it. And I know that if this migraine thing is still going to be persistent, then so be it. God's using it anyway, and working something out in my life and in my heart.

I know that God uses every circumstance - every aspect and everything that happens in my life for a reason. Everything that happens shapes my character, and shapes my heart for His good, pleasing, and perfect plan - and amdist the discomfort, in the long run, it's totally worth it, even though I don't understand it.

Father, guard my heart and guard my mind and show me that all I need is your love. Protect me from the father of lies as he tries to invade my heart with things that aren't true. Abba, penetrate my heart with Truth. Penetrate my heart with your love.

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough


Oh the Devil's singing over me,
an age-old song
that I am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently, over me
he's forgotten the refrain:
Jesus saves!

Baptism

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. I'm really excited.
I've been wanting to be baptized for about a year, and so I'm happy to finally have the opportunity to do it.

About a year ago, I dedicated my life to Christ. After a season of many questions and doubts about God, I was finally able to surrender and give everything to Him, and to live my life for Him. In the last year, He has revealed Himself to me through His love, and He has shown me just how in control He is of all things. By becoming a daughter of Christ, I have been completely transformed and He is continuing to teach me new things every day. He has placed people in my life at school, and they have become such an important part of my life – people that are a family because of the common bond that we have in Christ. I have people in my life who love me, and who challenge me on a daily basis – pointing me to God’s Word, and to ultimate truth, because they love me, and they love Jesus. I am encouraged to live my life in a Christ-like way because of their example.

I know that God is at work in my life because of the way that my heart is completely changed from how it used to be. Prior to following Christ, I was really selfish. I lived only for myself, and I lived to achieve my own goals and run my own life. I have a heart for people now. I want to live the rest of my life for Christ, so that I can share His unconditional love with those who haven’t experienced His love, so that they can see that there is a hope far greater than anything they’ve experienced. A hope that is worth living for each day, that gives a purpose to each and every life in this world. I want to live in a way so that everyone can see His love.

The reason I want to be baptized, is because I want publicly proclaim this commitment I have made to Christ. Now that I have made the decision to follow Him, and I have been called His child, I want to show the world that I am His, and I am committed to Him and His good, pleasing and perfect plan. He has done so much in my life in just a year’s time, and I am so excited for what He has in store for the future. I can see that everything God has done has been in His perfect timing. Just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3:11… He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that He loves me so much, and He loves each and every one in this world. Jesus is my strength and my refuge, and without him I am nothing.

I have a 10-page paper due tomorrow. I've been working on it for a week and a half. Earlier this evening, I went to go open it up on my computer, and it was completely gone. I don't know how it got deleted, but the document it was in was completely blank. There weren't any tears, because I think I was just in complete shock. So here I am at 2am... the paper should be done. On top of it, I'm applying for advanced standing tomorrow, and have a mountain of music theory homework left to do. I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight. I'm exhausted and it's going to be a long night... my goodness.

Father, give me strength. I have absolutely none.

When I go down

"You give me Hope
And Hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart
And when you do you make it light.
As I exhale, I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you"

I've been sick. Almost went to the hospital last week. I'm feeling better, but it's been hard. I haven't been running to the One who'll love me always, when I need Him most. I think I've been broken down to the point where all I can do is turn to Him.

Abba, I'm in need of you. This last week has been so hard to get through. I haven't been feeling well. I've felt so sick. But Father, the beauty of you is that you've seen the pian and all the discomfort I've been going through. You've seen the tears that I've wanted to cry, and you were in the boat with me when the pain was so unbearable. Father, pull me back to you. I haven't been turning to you through this, and I just know how much you want me to. Loving Father, I am overwhelmed with how great your live is for me. Thank you for still being there, with open arms, embracing and holding me all the days of my life. I love you.


"When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
'cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again."


But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy... the heaviest it's been in a long time.
God's putting things in my heart for a reason. Others, I need to give completely to Him and stop thinking about them.


Bible study last night was good. Convicting, but good.
I need to live with reckless abandon for Him.
A radical life - a life sold out for Him.
I need to not be afriad, because being afraid means I don't have enough faith. Sad... but true.

When am I going nto start living like I actually believe everything God tells me instead of just believing in some of the things He says.

Lord, you know what's on my heart. Take away the things that are there out of anxiety, and out of my lack of trust in you.

...

Sometimes all we can do is hold on to the things that we know true.

God is good. His plan is perfect. His plan is perfect. His plan is perfect...
Sometimes I just need to keep repeating that over and over again to myself.

I'm realizing more and more how precious life is, and how much I take it for granted. So often I walk round, as if I'm going to live till I'm 85, when in reality, I should never assume anything. God's the only one that knows. He's the only one that has my entire life planned out, and He is the only one who is all-knowing of these things.

God's definitely working in some strange ways right now... ways that I definitely don't understand or think are fair. I just need to keep holding on to the truth that I know... that He does everything for good. He is good. He is loving, and His plan is perfect, as much as I don't understand.

Lord, be with him. I pray that you would work a miracle. Father, keep them in your arms.

Abba, reveal your comfort. Unleash Your love so that there is no question as to who You are. Father, help them to hold on to Your Truth. Shine your light on them.

"...plans to give you a hope and a future..."

"Good luck today! I'll be praying. Know that God will not let a jury stop you from finishing the plans he has for you."

"I hope your barrier jury went well today. God knows what he's doing either way."

-April 29, 2008

I saved both of these text messages all the way back from springtime, when I had to play my barrier jury. Today I was going back through my inbox at texts I had saved and came across these.

I learned so much from such simple messages, and at the time God definitely used them to speak to my heart, and show me something I had never even thought of before. God's plan for me is set in stone... meaning, nothing I do is going to get in the way of the perfect life story that He has planned for me. Even though it looks scary down the road - this semester... this year... this summer... in two years when I have a classroom of my own (yikes!!!), I know that ultimately, He's got it. I know I can't get ahead of myself, or this present day, because each day has enough trouble of its own.

In other words, things like school, and music, and these horrible, consistant migraines are not going to hinder me from finishing out the plans that my father has for me, and I don't need to worry about them because God has it under control...

Now, I just have to believe it with all my heart.

There will be a day...

I am losing heart. Trying not to, but I am. I need to hold on to Him when things are hard. I need to hold on to Him even though I don't understand why He is allowing me to experience such intense pain in my head. I don't understand it. He loves me so much - I know that. But do I trust Him enough that I still know that He loves me when He allows the pain to come?


I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end,
His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why, this is why I sing


Abba, I don't understand. Help me to. Help me to hold on to you when I need you the most. Give me strength so that I can walk on firm ground and still be joyful and shine for you despite the pain you allow. Father, give me the strength to carry on. Help me to press on because of the gift you have given me... the gift of free love. Abba, I long for the day when there will be no more tears - the day I will see you face to face. Until then, Father, encourage my heart.

You're the God of this City

I want to go somewhere.
I know God has shaped my heart for exactly His purpose, and all I want to do is follow after what He has planned. I want to follow after His own heart.

There are greater things that are left to come. Life here on earth as His child is just a mere shadow of the things to come, and I want as many people as possible to get a glimpse of heaven here on earth, so that they can see far into eternity.

There is no one like our God...
There is no one like You, God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city

God, bring me back to you. My head hurts. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and it would disappear. Show me why this is happening. I don't understand. It hurts so much sometimes. Father, I need your comfort. I need your loving comfort.

Life

Sometimes the thoughts in my head are too much and they get too jumbled up. I need to trust God with these things...

- My head hurts.

- I lost all of my keys yesterday and so far they have not turned up. There were six music school keys, my room and bathroom keys, and my car keys too... all on the same key chain. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to trust that they'll turn up somehow.

- I am broke. I need a job. I hope I get hired as a desk receptionist in West Circle once I turn in this application.

Being in the music school is hard, because I don't feel as "hard-core" about music as everyone else around me does. I feel like I sit in a practice room and feel awful afterwards because nothing gets accomplished and a feel like a failure when things sound bad. Sometimes it's a wonder... I can sit down at a piano for two hours at a time and just... play. But then I try and sit in the little prison-boxes in the music building, and I can't stand it more than twenty five minutes. I'm not motivated. In high school I could practice for hours. I wonder what happened. Hm.. maybe it's because my whole life, I strived and fought to be perfect and be the best at music. I'm walking with Christ now, and I know this isn't possible. Perfection isn't ever possible with music. Perfection isn't ever possible, and I embrace this. I embrace this because I know God accepts me just for who I am. How do I relate this back to music? How do I find joy in a practice room? All I want to do is ministry. I know it's possible here, in the music school but I haven't figured it out yet. It's hard. I have no motivation for school. I need to come back down to earth...

I need to ask my professor what motivates her. She loves Jesus, so I trust her.

I need to armor myself more in God's word, so I can be protected, and so I am not so easy to listen to lies and be deceived.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

It's been a hard week.

It's 2:30 am...

Abba, I cry out to you right now. My head is in so much pain and I can't sleep. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I know your plan for me is perfect. I know that since your plan is perfect and since you are perfect, whatever your will is for me, is perfect too, and everything that goes alongside it. So Father, if you are allowing me to endure this pain for good, I trust that it is in your hands. I trust that you have everything under control. I know that it is far beyond my knowledge, so God, help me to persevere through this. Don't let me lose heart and help me to remember that you love me and you have overcome the world. God, through these last ten months of experiencing this pain, I have learned to rely on you in ways I never have had to before. So if this is what it takes, Father - if I need to endure this pain a little longer to draw closer to you, then let your will be done. But father, comfort me in this pain. It's almost unbearable and I just need to feel your loving touch.

Abba, show me your loving comfort.
Amen.


We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
-2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Radical Love

I want to live my life radically changed, for the rest of my life. I want to live the rest of my life serving others and making sure that they can catch even just a small glimpse of who Christ is.

Bible study was awesome last night. Learning and reading about Paul in Acts and the early church is so encouraging and such a good example of what it means to truly follow Christ. Paul amazes me sometimes.

But Jews came from Antioch and Iconium, and having persuaed the crowds they stoned Paul and dragged him out of the city, supposing that he was dead. But when the disciples gathered about him he rose up and entered the city, and on the next day he went on with Barnabas to Derbe.
-Acts 15:19-20

This amazes me. After being stoned almost to death, I know for a fact that going back into the city would not be my first reaction. What is so incredible about all of this, is that it displays God's love so perfectly. Paul's heart truly broke for these people, because He wanted them to know the truth and experience the love of his father in the same ways that he did. This radical love is what I want. I want my heart to break more for the people around me. As I sit here in a coffee shop, I watch the people come in to buy their "teddy bears" or "carmel mochas" before they go to class. Then they leave. Some have probably never thought about what they're going to class for - what they're working so hard for. Others are searching for the answers to life's questions. Some just need to hear that everything is going to be okay... that everything is in control and there is a God that loves them so much. He's a loving Father that wants to take all burdens and cary them upon His shoulders. And all it takes is for someone ordinary - a ragamuffin like myself to tell them.

So what holds me back? What holds me back from proclaiming the only thing I know true? Why am I apprehensive to sharing the love of Christ with the ones I hold close - with the ones I love so much?

Noel explained it so well on Saturday. I need to be able to coexist with those around me, and I need to be able to love them enough to want to share the Gospel. So often it is spread and proclaimed for ears to hear, but in such a way that is hurtful and unloving. It's a wondery why so many people are turned off to christians, and turned off to the Gospel...the Gospel of Grace. I need to be more loving so that it is evident that Christ's love abounds in grace, and not as a persecution. I need to be more loving so that His love is radiant, and so that it would naturally flow from my lips.

Something struck me at curch on Sunday. He painted the picture of Lazarus and the rich man in the book of Luke. If a close friend died and could see what lied ahead without Christ, there would be no question - this person would want me to tell them about Christ. When I put it into perspective, an awkward conversation or chance of altering a friendship doesn't seem to even matter. If I truly loved, nothing would hold me back. If I really treasured the Gospel and treasured my Jesus, then this would be overflowing from me, and more would hear the Good News - the Gospel of Grace which is the greatest Love Story that was, and ever will be.

Abba, break my heart. Break my heart so that I am quick to love. Overwhelm me with your spirit so that I am filled up with your love, so that I can show this love to others. Yahweh, teach me, so that I can walk in your ways, so I can walk in your footsteps all the days of my life.

It is well!!

My heart is SO full.

I want the world to experience this Love - this feeling of ETERNAL comfort and unexplainable Love!!

I want to see the eyes of God's children when they hear of Jesus' name for the first time...


The Lord is at work in my life, and continues to open up my heart and mind, to prepare me for the plan He has from me.

This feeling I have - this feeling of excitement and joy... it is not of me. I am joyful because HE lives!!! I am joyful because He CONTINUES to bless my life. I am joyful because He never fails!!! I am joyful because He fills me up, and He fills the void that used to be in my heart. He pours into me, He has placed wonderful people in my life, and He has brought me to a place where I can gladly say, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!"

Praise God!!


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Blessed Beyond Measure...

When I prayed a year ago for the Lord to show me the Body of Christ, I had no idea what He had in store. I'm at a loss for words at what He is capable of doing, and the deep relationships that He has formed in my life.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Prayer

God, save me from this pain. I cry out to you, O Lord because my head hurts so much. I cry out to you with the full confidence that you can, and will remove this pain from me. I know you are good, and I know you love me. I know that you only want what's best. God, please help me, for without you I am nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Only Hope

My heart is so full. I've never felt this close to Him. I continue to fall in love with Jesus each day, and He continues to show me the kind of love that only He is able to provide.


Lord, I love you. Thank you for giving me this life and choosing me to shine for you and to share You. I am at a loss for words.


Theres a song thats inside of my soul
Its the one that Ive tried to write over and over again
Im awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now youre my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now youre my only hope

I give You my apathy
Im giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs Im giving it back

Desert Song

It's at times like today when I need to rely on Him the most. I don't have much energy, and I feel like it's been a really long, even though I've only had two classes today.

She doesn't understand anything. I thought my relationship with her would strengthen when I went to college, especially since I'm a lot older now. But I'm a junior now, and even the thought of going home on the weekends isn't attractive anymore. So I find my comfort and safety net here, and where people actually undertand and know where my heart is. I'm not discouraged from doing things like bible study, and real life, and sharing... Doesn't she get it? Doesn't she know that I - we were not put here for ourselves, but to live for other people? God's called me to do ministry - to go sharing in the dorms and to shine for Christ's love upon other people. She taught me this, and for the first time I actually understand it, and am sincerely seeking after God and His will. I'm trying to put others before myself, and I am trying to have an eternal perspective on anything that I do. And for the first time, God has given me an incredible sense of peace about my future, and the unknown, and I'm so excited for this school year (for the first time!!!!) But she's constantly looking down at me and overlooking everything I do. I know I need to make money. And I understand how crucial this semester is for the college of ed. and advanced standing. But I also know that if I scrifice things to do ministry, and if I'm truly seeking after waht God wants for me, then He is going to provide everything else that I need. I get it, but why doesn't she? Why doesn't she trust that our God isn't going to let anything stand in the way of His plan? Why doesn't she trust that He won't let anything stop me from finishing the plans He has for me? I need patience.

The doctor called today. Apparently all my test results were "normal." I'm a little discouraged. I was almost hoping that something would have shown up abnormally, so they could treat it, and these migraines would go away. But I just have to keep trusting. At the end of the day, He is still good. He is still in contol. And, He still loves me. I know this in my heart, and nothing will ever take that away.

I might be struck down, but I'm definitely not defeated, because I know the plans my God has for me are great. I know He has a plan to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. I know that the rewards of heaven will be great and I need to be here right now and endure it. I must live life to the fullest, and I just need to keep seeking after Him. I won't let the father of lies have control over my thoughts and mind again. I'll keep fighting.

Father, ease my frustration and give me patience. Help me to trust more. Thank you for being there always. Thank you for being my rock and the one that will never fail me. Thank you for your comfort.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
-2 Corinthians 4:7-9

Your Love is Amazing!!!!!

God is so good. God is so good. God is sooooo good!!!!

YOU are soooooooo good!!!!



:-)

That was a little scattered and very open-ended. Let me explain...

Two years ago, I came to MSU. I hated it here. I was homesick. I went home every weekend. I had no friends. I had grown up in a christian home, but suddenly He didn't even seem real. Doubts and thoughts and horror-filled questions flooded my mind all the time. I was depressed, and lost. I was without hope. I thought all was lost

Later in the year, that hope was renewed. 2 of my sisters in Christ decided to share the gospel with me even thought I had heard it a million times. Another sister decided to pour her life into mine. She showed me the love of Christ. I liked MSU. I wasn't homesick anymore. I didn't know the answers yet, but at least I knew there was something - someone there that had created the world, and had created me.

Last year God showed me His love and what community really means. He showed me what the body really is. He revealed Himself to me and I understood who He was for the first time. I made a commitment to follow Him all the days of my life.

This summer He showed me His wisdom. I've never felt closer.

This week He continues to amaze me. I stand here today in absolute awe of what my loving father can do. He competely transformed my life and I stand here today SAVED BY GRACE because HE LOVES ME!!! I am on fire for Him and am continuing to fall in love with Him every single day. And now, I can't wait to show the world His love - to be a disciple of Him and share the Gospel of Grace.

God's moving in amazing ways.

This is why I boldy say, YOU are SO good God!!! God, THANK YOU for loving me!! THANK YOU for being in control of everything that ever goes on EVER in this world!! Thank you for choosing to love me, and for choosing to send your son to die so that the sin that separates me from you can be cut in half, so that I can STILL live with you even though I am messy and will continue to be messy. Lord, you are amazing.

YOUR love is AMAZING!!!

*

My heart and my soul, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out, Lord
Let JUSTICE and PRAISE, become my EMBRACE. To love you from the inside out, Lord.

New Year

So in about 20 minutes I'm going to be heading off to my first class of the school year... I can hardly believe it. 4 months of summer, and 4 months of waiting for it all to start again, and it's finally here.

This weekend two good friends that graduated in May came up to visit/surprise us. It was really good to see them. When they left yesterday, it hit me for the first time that they're not going to be around this year. At first I was really sad. I hate gooodbyes a lot... I hate the idea of not knowing when you're going to see a person again, and I don't like the idea of not seeing them on a regular basis... random visits in the dorm... in the music building... bible study... Real Life on Thursday nights... movie nights on Fridays... church on Saturday nights... etc.

I realized that this year is going to be a lot different than ones in years past. My junior year in high school is when I had this feeling - this feeling of being older and for things to be different. Only this time, I am excited for the change. I'm excited to see God work. Although I have to admit that it is a little bit scary, and I don't really know what I'm doing... I know that ultimately, God is going to be standing here right by my side, and through Him I can do anything because He gives me strength. All of the unknowns about the future, and all the apprehensiveness of being bold and living foolishly for Him... I know that He has it all. His sovereignty is so great that I don't even have to worry about everything, because I know that my loving father has everything under control, and nothing... not anything is ever too much or too big for my God to handle.

So, it's going to be a different year. Different, but good. I'm going to miss them, and seeing some of the people that I've seen here since I walked on to campus for the first time two years ago. But I am so excited to reach out to these new freshman. I'm excited to show them that there is a Hope far beyond this world that will always give them rest, and will fulfill their hearts more than anything ever could. I'm determined and motivated to shine for Jesus and to show them Jesus so that their first year here will be amazing.

There are 40 freshman on my floor this year. God is so good.

Here's to another year... here's to new beginnings and steps of faith.

Surrendering

Therefore in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! Fo if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourseves fighting against God.
-Acts 5:38 & 39

This is incredible. And it's so true. If anything is of human origin and of human will, then it will fail! But if anything is of God and of His will, then nothing will ever be able to stop it. I love looking in Acts and seeing how faithful the Apostles were. It's incredible to watch how they were persecuted against, yet they remained so faithful and so true to God and His will, and His plan. I want to live a life so foolish for God, that I never have a question or doubt in my mind of what He is capable of doing. I want to live as faithful as the Apostles did, so that those around me can not see who I am, but they can see Christ shining through. I want to live my life for Him in a way that I never have before.

Abba, I surrender. I trade my life, all I have, for all you are. All love and sovereignty is in you, and you alone. For the rest of my life, take this body, and take my entire life, so that I love you first, serve you first, and live for you first. Father you are moving in some incredible ways, and I just know that you have big things planned, and I am so excited to see your plan carried out. Lord, you are incredible. Thank you for giving me this life - this life to live for you.

Ragamuffins

When I graduated from high school a little over two years ago, I was scared. When people told me that college would be the four (or five!!) best years of my life, I didn't believe them. When I was told that I would meet my true, lifelong friends, I didn't think that it was possible, because I already had plenty of friends, who liked me for who I was. When I was told that college would be an immense time of growth in my faith, at that point I thought all was lost, and everything was hopeless. I didn't believe them. I didn't believe that every one of these would turn out to be true.

There's a couple things wrong with the paragraph above. If I count the times that I used the word "I," it's used way too many times. When I count the times that I was making the judgment of how college would turn out, as well as my future, I made every single wrong accusation. I stand here humbly today, and I can say that I was wrong about everything then. I had no idea of the plans God had for me, or the depths of His love that would allow me to run back into His arms once again. I stand here today as a completely transformed, renewed daughter of Christ, and I cannot wait for what this year holds... for the lives that'll be transformed... for the freshmen that need to be reached... for new relationships, and for existing relationships to grow and dig deeper into Christ's love... for personal growth... the list could go on, but I'll stop there.

Recently God has been teaching me a lot about Grace. I'm reading this book called, "The Ragamuffin Gospel," by Brennan Manning. The point of this entire book is that we are all ragamuffins - meaning, we are all the same... and nothing that anyone does in his own power will ever earn his way into heaven. No good deed will ever open up a passageway into eternity. I'm still in the beginning, but already God has used it to absolutely change my perspective on what Grace really is. Here's a couple short excerpts from the first chapter:


At the last Judgment Christ will say to us, 'Come you also! Come drunkards! Come weaklings! Come, children of shame!' And he will say to us: 'Vile beings, you who are in the image of the beast and bear his mark, but come all the same, you as well.' And the wise and prudent will say: 'If I welcome them, you wise men, if I welcome them, you prudent men, it is because not one of them has ever been judged worthy.' And he will stretch out his arms, and we will fall at his fet, and we will cry out sobbing, and then we will understand all, we will understand the Gospel of Grace! Lord, your Kingdom come!

Through no merit of ours, but by His mercy, we have been restored to a right relationship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of His beloved Son. This is good news, the gospel of grace.

You know how you can read something - the same passage of scripture over and over again, and you can memorize the passage and refer back to it many, many times - yet for some reason at a certain point in your life, it'll just click.... a lightbulb turns on... it's almost as if God's giving you a sacred piece of treasure, a small piece of heaven for you to look after while we're here on this earth... a little bit of His wisdom to know, so that it can be shared with the whole world so that they can know who He is.

The more I obtain from the wisdom of God, the more longing I have for what is to come... for the heavenly realms... for the day that all of my brothers and sisters will be gathered there to dwell in eternity together. I have a longing to show all who don't know this wisdom, and those who don't have any Hope, so that they can know the Truth - the Truth that can, and will set them free. Ultimately, I have an incredible longing for the day that will come when God and I will walk on the same streets together, because all sin will pass away and finally, I will be able to run to my Father into His loving open arms.


"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
...revelation 21:3-4

Botanical Gardens

On Sunday I went up to MSU for two days. I needed to get away for a little bit. On Monday morning, I was able to go into the Botanical Gardens and read the word and journal. It was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed, to re-charge my batteries and to get the right perspective on things.

I love East Lansing. I love it on campus. I love Michigan State. I love Adam's field, and I love the Botanical Gardens. I love west circle. I love community. And I miss it all.

This summer has been really hard. I think I've gone through every emotion, except for joy. And this is supposed to be what I live in every single day. Since I know Christ, I should be able to live every waking moment of my life with the perspective of eternal Joy. But once again, I have fallen short. But what I'm finding out right now is that it's okay. The only way I would have joy always, and no sadness at all, is if I was perfect, which I am not - nor will I ever be or claim to be.

In the last ten weeks of my life, I have spent my time wallowing and being angry with God. I've been angry with the circumstances of this summer, and I've been angry that the Lord would allow me to fall back into old habits, and that He would allow me to run from Him in the complete opposite direction. But I'm figuring out that it's what this whole free-will thing is all about. He has the reigns, but I have the decision and I have the choice. He doesn't want a robot for a child. No parent does. And as much as He wants me to love Him, and as much as He wants me to choose Him all the time, He wants me to mean it with my heart. He wants me to love Him and live for Him, because it's with my all. And, though I may run, and though I may be angry, these seasons only last for a little while, as my loving Father pulls me back to Him, and gives me a taste of the love I have been running from. This is called grace. Grace is what has saved me. And once again I have realized this, and I am eternally grateful that I am His, and He will never let me go.

Abba, thank you for holding on. Thank you for instilling your love and your heart within me, so that deep down I know that you are my God, and I am yours.


My grace is sufficient for you...
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Everlasting Love

I'm figuring out what love truly means. I've always struggled with and wondered why God would love me... why He would give me a second chance, offering me eternal life. I'm not worthy of mercy. I'm worthy of death, yet God invests His life into me and decides to bestow mercy upon me, teaching me what True Life really is. God created us to be in perfect harmony with Him. Yes - He knew that sin would enter the world, and the perfect world He created would be a sinful place. But that's why He sent Jesus. He sent His only son - the one whom He loved, and He sacrificed Himself on our behalf... on my behalf. He loved me so much, that He wanted to win me back. He wanted me to choose Him once again, through the turmoil and through the sin. I am saved by Grace and Mercy and the more I walk in His truth, the more freedom I experience. The more that I walk in Him, the more love I experience... the kind of Love that was meant to be in the first place.

When I think I'm going under
part the waters Lord
When I feel the waves around me
calm the sea
When I cry for help
oh hear me Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me

I know that through the struggle, and through the storms, You are always going to be there. There's nothing that could ever tear me apart from You. There's nothing that could ever possibly cause me to fall back into the pit. Things are hard. Things are disappointing. But these "things" are those of this earth. What truly matters is Your love, which is greater than any earthly thing. Everlasting Love is enough to get me through. It is sufficient. It is patient. It is kind. Love always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. I know that You are always going to love me, and I know that you're always going to be hanging on to me... loving me, just like You always have, and just like You always will.

Love never fails
...1 Corinthians 13:8

I need You - Your touch, Your life, Your love...

I feel like things are falling apart. I've been close to tears for hours, and I just want to feel better. I have this wrenching feeling inside me... this feeling of insignifance and disappointment. This summer has just been so hard. For a moment I thought everything was okay. But between the migraines all the time and this new job, I feel completely broken down and worthless. I'm trying to remember Romans 5:3...

we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance...

It's just so hard. When the world around me is crumbling I should be able to turn to my Lord and Savior for comfort. He should be the only one who can provide it. I should be able to just reach my hands up for His touch, knowing and believing that everything is going to be okay.

I am so incredibly exhausted.

Jesus, take it all

When? When does it go away? At what point is it enough? When does all this waiting... all this pain, and the exhaustion from it all - when does it end? When is it enough?

Why won't You take it? Why won't You show me what You have planned? When is the pain going to stop?

I don't believe Jeremiah 29:11 right now. I know it's truth. But I'm having a hard time completely believing it. It's hard when there's a constant reminder in my very own head... of the lies and inflicting pain - causing me to constantly remember that it's there... that the pain is still there. And it's not going away anytime soon.

It's hard to submit myself or even begin to want to trust at this point. All I can hope for at this point, is that He still wants me... that He still wants me to be His child. Because I know that I'm mnot going to find my way back all by myself.

I've fallen. I've fallen really deep this time.

Here I am

Jesus, take it all. Take the migraines, take the pain. Take this stagnancy, take my reluctance to pursue You. Take my life, and take my heart. For nothing I have is mine. It is Yours. Everything is Yours. I am Yours. Jesus, take it all away.

I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

Times are achangin'

Last night was my last night working at the movie theater. I also got accused of being "racist" by a sixteen year old girl, because I wouldn't give her the children's discount... which entails that person being eleven years old or younger. She preceeded to tell her friend that she was going to go over to the other box office to buy a ticket. When her friend asked her why, the girl responded, "because the person over there is black." I felt belittled. I was really upset afterward and couldn't shake that feeling. I'm not racist at all. It bothers me that there are still those connotations and stereotypes about either race, and I wish it would just go away. I'm glad it was my last night. Things like that are what made that job miserable, and I'm glad to be done. What I am going to miss are the few good relationships that I had with some people. I feel like with a couple of the girls I worked with, some good conversations were starting to happen. But now I'm not going to be there anymore. The Lord's timing is perfect, and people are brought into our lives at a specific time, for a specific reason and for a purpose. The hard part is when they leave. That's the part I struggle with. I love when God places people there for me - when God reveals His love to me through them, and when God places them there to love me, and to show me things, according to His purpose. I just want them to be there forever. I don't really like change all that much. I've always struggled with it, and I've always had a really hard time with it. Thank God for Heaven. It's something to look forward to.

I think I need to be a teacher. Someone told me when I was amidst barrier juries in the spring, that no matter what the outcome of everything, nothing is going to stop God's plan for me to be carried out. I guess this is comforting because I know that I can't screw it up. So in realizing this, I've decided that I'm pretty sure teaching is what I need to do. I've been trying to find excuses and reasons not to, and I've been running. But it's just in me. I want to impact students' lives. I want to share the love of Christ with them. I want to be like how so many teachers were to me. Teachers who cared, and teachers who loved their students. For a while the passion was gone, and I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to get it back. But I'm sure this time. This summer has been good in that I have been able to see that God's plan for me is to teach. I know that I'm still going to have doubts and apprehensions and conflicts, but I know that I need to stop running and face everything I have in front of me, so I can finish this degree and get through to what God has me on this earth to do.

I have been struggling a lot this summer. I can't believe it's already halfway over. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I can't wait to get back to MSU and see everyone, however I really do like having the nice warm weather, and no class. It's actually kind of nice. But I have been struggling. I've been really struggling in my personal relationship with God. I didn't think that I would ever come close to how everything was before. Last year was a time of searching, and last summer was a time that I was able to re-discover God, but in a new way, so that I had full confidence of Him, and His love, and His sovereignty. This last school year was a substantial time of growth, and a substantial time of community amongst all my sisters and brothers. Never once before had I experienced anything like this before. But this summer is different. Even though I have obtained a picture of who God is, and I have learned so much and crossed an incredible journey of emotion, doubt, and love, I stand here today, and I'm still struggling. Some are things I've been struggling with for a long time. Familiar doubts have been re-instilled into my mind and heart, and I can't seem to shake them. I have been believing all kinds of lies that I know aren't true, but I have not been in the word enough to put on the full armor of God to protect myself. And ultimately, I have been letting the father of lies keep me silent - in making me believe that I am insignificant. He makes me think that I am the only one that struggles with these things, and that the things I struggle with are not things that I should be, if I was a child of God. He even puts it into my head that I cannot be a Christian if I am still struggling with the "old" ways - still having a hard time with things that I did years ago.

I know that God is never changing, and He just waits there till His lost sheep return home, ready to welcome me back in. But how do I do this? After a summer of sin, and frustration, and being deceived, how do I turn this around and start believing the truth, when I am so frustrated already?

Lord this is the cry of my heart - that you would help me. That you would save me. Take my frustration, take my struggle, take my insufficiencies, take my pain, and take my sin. Take it all away.

I take my life, all I have, for all You are

Lord, awaken my heart. Show me the treasure you are. Help me. Take this frustration and turn it into worship and praise. Take my doubt and turn it into confidence. Take my fear and turn it into joy.

Lord reveal yourself to me so I know that I'm safe in your arms. My heart is broken. I feel empty. Show me that you have everything under control, and that your sovereignty reigns forever. Show me that you're in control of all things, and show me that I am not worthless to the kingdom. Protect me from him. Cast out all fear and all the lies that I believe. Show me your hope.

Show me that you love me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Three of my good friends left for Berlin two days ago for a summer project - to do His good work and to share the love of Christ in the hard soil over there. One of them gave me a phone call from the airport beforehand. She told me that no one had accepted Christ in Berlin yet. They're jumping on board to try and change that. The soil's hard. The people have no hope. I'm praying everyday for the team to have enough encouragement and hope, so that Christ's love will reflect off of them and the people will see it, and want it, and have hope that there is someone out there worth living for - someone that loves them.


I think I've forgotten about eternal perspective. Because, things like my job, and living at home, and worrying about money - all of these things would be those that I wouldn't have to worry about or be frustrated with if I really trusted God and I really believed how sovereign He is above all things in this world. I once knew this. I once believed it. So why do I feel like this now? It's funny when I look at how my summer could've been - how it was going to be... on project, serving Him and dedicating my summer to Him. At the end of the school year, I felt close to God, I didn't think that this summer would lead to where I am today. I kind of feel ashamed - I know I've let God down. And I know He's just waiting for me to run back into His arms because, He's always waiting. So what's my problem then? Am I like the person that's referred to in Hebrews 6:4? That verse scares me. That's the verse that started these migraines to begin with... Maybe I'm just going through a rough spot. I guess I haven't really had one of those in a while. I've forgotten what it feels like. I don't like it.

I think too much. I need to just be obedient. I need to just trust. I need to stop believing that I am worthless to the kingdom. But it's hard. When I look at people going to Berlin - a place with some of the hardest soil, and then I look at what I'm doing now. I'm not making an impact. I'm not sharing the love of Christ. What am I doing? Sitting here, and believing the lies, and looking at all my insuffiencies, and realizing what a sinner I am - and I'm doing nothing. I think the stagnancy has caught up. I feel worthless and I'm tired. The migraines still won't leave my head. I still feel really alone. I have this feeling... a welled up feeling... the kind of feeling where I just kind of want to sit and cry on someone's shoulder for a while.

I don't understand how anyone without the hope of Jesus Christ could have enough motivation day in and day out. At least I have that. At least at the end of the day I know that Jesus is my Savior and God is unchanging. I just wish I wasn't so quick to change, and I wish I was more constant in my faith and I wish I fought a little bit harder to be a better daughter... a better servant. A servant even at all...

Lord, change my heart. Mold me back into the girl you made me to be. I desperately need you. Please, show yourself to me once again. Show me that you love me. I've forgotten what that means. I need to be reminded. I am a wandering sheep, and I need my Shepherd to show me the way back home once again.

So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall

I miss it.

Adam's Field, west circle, Thursday nights.... I miss fellowship. I miss people my own age. I miss being pushed and pursued after. I miss encouragement, and I miss pouring into others.


I don't like this place I'm in, and I'm having a harder time than I thought I would. I need to pray for myself. I need to journal. I need to read the Word. But I continue to not pursue Him. I've tried plans, and I've tried committing myself. It just doesn't happen. Something has to change, because I can feel myself falling once again. The stagnancy has set in, yet I don't know how to change it.

I feel really alone in all of this. I'm trying not to let him keep me silent but it's hard. When I've let him twist things around in my head, and when I've let him make me believe things, it's hard to fight back. And when I'm not armoring myself with the Word to protect myself from him, I'm just being kicked around.

I'm having a hard time tonight. I'm having a hard time this summer. I want it to be August.

I suppose that this too will pass, just like everything else...

Who I am hates who I've been

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I can't let myself fall back. If something doesn't change, this is going to be one long summer. I'm really worried I'm going to run out of money. It's really tight. And now my manager only scheduled me for one shift next week. I'm not getting very many shifts anymore, and no one else is hiring right now. And I try to not let myself keep thinking this... but I can only think about what it could've been if I would have gone to Virginia Beach. I've really been trying to have the best outlook on this summer, but I'm tired. I'm sad. I don't see a purpose at all. I'm not the shining Light of Christ like I should be to those around me. The headaches aren't any better. I'm frustrated with everything. And I'm trying not to let him keep me silent. I'm trying to live out the message I gave in my testimony last night - to not let the father of lies keep me silent. But sometimes he kicks me down so far that it's hard to get back up. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm broken. I just want this summer to be over with.

Testimony

I'm giving my testimony tonight. I'm excited, but I'm a little bit nervous. Up until recently I haven't been able to bring myself to really talk about my story. I haven't ever told it to more than one person at a time. I know that they're not my words... they're His. He's the one that wrote my story, and I'm just delivering the message. I'm just the proof of what God is capable of doing... of bringing someone so far down the wrong path - someone so depressed and lost, and then showing me the Light. Showing me that there are people who care, showing me the body of Christ as a way of relishing His love on me and making it plainly evident... showing me that He is real, and there, and wanting to purue me and love me as His very own child...

I'm hoping that the nerves won't get the best of me, and that I will be able to completely rely on God for this one so that the words aren't my own. I hope I won't cry in front of them. I don't want to. I haven't been this vulnerable in a long time.

Jesus come

It's incredible sometimes at how low it can get... how low I feel because of the pain in my head. I feel helpless. I know I'm not without help. I know He's there. But it's how I feel. It's hard to see that one day I will be raised up on eagles wings, and all of this pain will be taken away. It's hard to remember that one day, all my tears will be whiped away by His hand. It's hard to even grasp eternity when all I can think about is the horrible pain that hinders me from thinking straight.

It's one of those nights.

Surrender

I'm having a hard time trusting Him with this one. The doctor said I needed to come in so that he could discuss the blood test results with me from last week. That's weird, because before, they were able to let me know over the phone that everything came back normal. So maybe things didn't come back normal this time... I don't know, I'm nervous.

I guess all I can do is not worry, because that's the only thing I do have control over - the choice to trust or not. It's just so hard. It's so hard to completely surrender everything to Him - especially when things get hard. The medication isn't working, so I'm still in pain.

I find myself falling short. It's so hard to let it all go.

Prayer

Lord, I come to you with a lot on my heart this morning. Father, on Sunday, you made it really clear to me that you may want me in Africa or maybe even Asia next summer. Prior to this year, I don't know if I would have been able to say this, but I am really excited at the idea and opportunity. Lord, in these upcoming months, help make it clear to me what you'd like me to do. I'm willing to follow, and I'm willing to serve you. The sermon on Sunday and those missionaries at church really spoke into my heart. I think that deep down, I may be a little bit afraid. So Lord, turn what might be doubt or fear in my heart, to encouragement and excitement for whatever you've got planned. I know the Word says that you have a good, pleasing, and perfect plan for me. Looking back at the way you've changed my life this past year, I believe in that promise. So Lord, help me to be able to persevere, even when it's hard.

Lord, the other things on my heart are the questions in my heart that I have about you. I don't think I've honestly ever presented these things to you, so please forgive me. Father, help me to understand the point and meaning of prayer. I understand that you want a relationship with me, and even that can be hard to accept sometimes. But God, I have a hard time grasping what the power of prayer is, and what it does if you already have planned everything what is going to happen. We can't change things ourselves and only you can. Please help me to understand. Father, something else I've been struggling with is something I think I've always struggled with. Lord, what is the purpose of everything? Why did you create me, as well as the rest of this world? Why would you create us for you when you are Great enough already? Sometimes I have anger in my heart Lord, because I feel resentment toward you. I feel that it is selfish of you to create everything so that you can have and receive glory. Lord, I'm only being honest with what's been on my heart. So please forgive me. I know you know me already, and know that these things have been bugging me, and I've had a hard time with them. I know you've wanted me to present these things to you. So God, here it is... help me to understand, or have a peace about not understanding - whatever is according to your will. I know that one day, I won't have these doubts and questions anymmore. One day, I'll be able to live in heaven with you. But for now, I need you to comfort me and tell me that it's okay. Sometimes I even question my salvation and your promise that I am written in the book of Life. Sometimes I even question you, and if this is all real. So Father, I need you to strengthen me, and let no doubt enter into my mind that I am forever saved, and you are forever true. Help re-instate that confidence to me when I am not confident, so that I can share you and your Truth with those around me. Help me to rely on you and your word this summer. Teach me what it means to use your word as my daily bread. I know that by reading your word, maybe some of these questions will clear up. I know that through it, I will draw closer to you and come to know you more. That is my lifelong goal, to become more and more like you ever single day. Lord, help me to achieve this goal.

Father, I ask also that you would cure my aching heart. I miss MSU and the community there so much. I find myself missing things there quite a bit. I know that you have made MSU feel like home for me, because last summer I asked you to help me have a better year this year. The first year was hard, and you did far more than just turn it around. You completely changed everything and made it so good. Those girls are my sisters, and with each one I know I can go to for anything. But Father, help me to not become sad and my longing for west circle to get me down. Help me to truly enjoy this summer. I know that you have something planned for me, even though I can't see it right now. Help me to wait patiently, Lord. Help my longing heart to have rest as I wait on you. Comfort me in the lonely times. Strengthen me when I am weak. Help me to boast about my sufferings when I am weak, so that I can be strong.

Abba, I need you, and my heart longs for you. As your child, make me whole. Draw me close to you as I search and find rest in your name. Show me your love and give me the warmth of your comfort. Lord, help me to be strong. I need you more than anything.

Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations...

On Sunday my pastor spoke out of Acts 9:1-16

This is when God spoke to Saul and turned his world upside down by calling him to stop doing what he was doing (persecuting the church) and to come follow him. To make a long story short, "Saul" became Paul, and completely transformed his life and began to follow God. As I kept reading in Acts, this is what got me...

vs. 20: "At once, he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the son of God."

Paul started following God and suffering for Him right away. This is amazing to me... someone who completely persecuted the church and hated Christ and was completely against Christianity... someone "brand new" at being a Christian immediately picked up his cross and followed Jesus. He changed history by doing what the Lord asked him to do, by speaking to many different people - sharing with Christ with them in ways that changed their lives. And here I am - I don't know how long I've been a Christian exactly, but I've known about Christ for my entire life. And, this was just really encouraging to hear. I've always played it safe, and I've always been skeptical about sharing my faith. I get scared, have cold feet - what-have-you... but something my pastor said struck me.

He said, "Are you going to forsake the blessing and reward of God because the pain might be too much?" This really challenged me. Something's been on my heart lately. And, I think God's been shaping my heart for Africa or Asia. I know they're completely two different cultures. But I've always been interested in them. When Virginia Beach didn't work out for this summer, I still knew that God had a plan. As frustrated as I was, and still am sometimes about not going, I know that God has other things in store. I know God still wants me to go on Project but He wants me to wait, and now I know why. Lately I've been seeing small signs from God - but they've made me excited. At church on Sunday, we had two missionaries speak that are doing work over in central Asia. I was so intrigued to hear the wife's story, and how she came to know Christ. The last song we sang in church is called "He Reigns" by the Newsboys.

The very first verse of the song is:

It’s the song of the redeemed, Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven, Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers, Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

I just found this funny... God's definitely got a sense of humor. After church, I randomly came across a youtube video, and to me it was fascinating. One day I do truly want to go on a summer project. The video talks about how people of different countries who have never heard of Christ absolutely catch on fire for Christ once they hear of Him. Once they find Him, they see Him as a treasure, and they want to tell everyone about Him. I am encouraged by this.

God is awesome.

Waiting

My head is still in a lot of pain. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and he gave me medicine, but it hasn't really been working yet. Something tells me that it's going to be a long process before this all gets figured out. I'm trying to trust that God'll take care of it, but it's hard. I thought that maybe moving home and being taken out of the stressful school/music environment would help. So far it hasn't, so I guess I'm just waiting on this one.

I'm tired of sitting at home. There's not much to do, and I'm getting a little stir crazy.

It's been a long week. My head still hurts. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, and they drew a bunch of blood to do tests. He doesn't really know what's wrong.... says it could be genetic, but he doesn't really know. So for now he has me on some sort of medication that I can't pronounce. I guess I'm supposed to take this stuff every day. It's supposed to lessen the pain. My head hurts right now, and I had a migraine last night... so we'll see.


I'm sitting here right now, kind of like I have been all week. I haven't really done much, or gotten much accomplished. I've been slowly unpacking all of my things, but even that isn't completely done yet. I'm really hoping the rest of the summer isn't going to go like this. I'm really going stir crazy. I go back to work later this afternoon... I'm going back to my old job because no one's hiring right now. I'm probably going to be making minimum wage, but I guess it's better than nothing. I really need to have a change of heart about this summer. I just don't see a point to it right now.


I need to learn what it means to be part of a family again. I need to be more patient. I need to be more loving. Questions and doubts are flooding my mind again, and they couldn't have come at a worse time... satan knows me really well, and it's scary. I think I need a date with Jesus.

I don't feel like there was really a point to this entry. But maybe it's good that I'm writing this down. Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be able to look back at these and laugh.

I know the Lord is good. I know He is who He says He is. But sometimes I feel stuck. I feel stagnant, and I don't like it.

I'm frustrated.

Blue Like Jazz & bomb threats

I'm home from MSU for the summer. So far I've been enjoying getting caught up on sleep, and I've been slowly unpacking all my things, which is quite a large project in itself. It's quite the adjustment... to go from a completely full schedule to a schedule that doesn't entail much. My days are pretty empty, and so I've been able to sit back and watch the things going on in my household. All my siblings have their own routine. Steph's wrapping up all her senior stuff, preparing her speach for graduation and doing AP testing. Andrew just finished drumline, and he's getting ready to start the new season. He's enjoying his video games a lot. Katie just made the varsity pom team for next year, and she's finishing up middle school, and starting a new chapter in her life very soon. Everyone's so busy and has their own schedules... it's amusing to watch sometimes. I'm thankful I have Mickey here. I think he missed me a lot. All he's been doing is following me around these last four days or so. He won't leave my side.

In the last two days between the middle school and the high school, there have been bomb threats at each school. This just isn't normal. We live in Farmington Hills suburbia. Things like this don't just happen every day. In all my years in school here, we've never had a bomb threat.

And it hit me. It hit me that this is just a small example of what the world is like. It doesn't matter if the threats were a joke, or if the threats were serious. They were still threats. And the kids who made the threats are like the rest of the world... it's acceptable, or okay to do these kinds of things... to make threats - threats that affect lives. The fact of the matter is that this world is broken. The human race is broken. It's been broken for over 2,000 years. It's always been broken, and it always will be broken. This world needs Jesus. This world needs to know that there is someone who can fix all of these things, if they would just open up their eyes and allow Him to love them. We need to do something about it. It breaks my heart that people - kids think it's okay to go about making threats like this... treating the lives of those around them as if they didn't matter.

It was like a bacteria or a cancer or a trance. It wasn't on the skin; it was in the soul. It showed itself in loneliness, lust, anger, jealously, and depression. It had people screwed up bad everywhere you went--at the store, at home, at church; it was ugly and deep. Lots of singers on the radio were singing about it, and cops had jobs because of it. It was as if we were broken, I thought, as if we were never supposed to feel these sticky emotions. It was as if we were cracked, couldn't love right, couldn't feel good things for very long without screwing it all up. We were like gasoline engines running on diesel. From a very early age our souls are taught there is a comfort and a dscomfort in the world, a good and bad if you will, a lovely and frightening.There seemed to me to be too much frightening, and I don't know why it existed.
-Donald Miller; Blue Like Jazz

It's our duty to make a difference. We need to reach the lost. We need to do our Father's work. We need to let our Loving Father work through us to reach the broken. Let's get the job done.

All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Matthew 28:18-20

Summer is here

So I'm home now. I guess I don't really know what to feel right now. It finally hit me that the year's over and summer is here. I kind of wish it were warmer outside, and the temperature was as warm as it looks outside right now.

I didn't make it home on Friday. It took me forever to pack everything up, and I barely made it out of there before 8 - which is when the deadline to get out of the dors was. Talk about last minute...

I don't think I've cried as hard as I did on Friday in a really long time. I had a headache all day. As I was getting on the freeway to come home, shooting pains went through my head, and I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I wept for my head and migraines in frustration. I was a mess. I cried in my apprehension to go home this summer, instead of going to Virginia Beach. I cried because I'm leaving the place that I've established as home - the place that has helped grow me and make me part of who I am today instead of who I was a year ago. It was a long cry.

So I got home yesterday morning. I didn't do really much of anything all day. My head still hurt a lot. I was also tired, and probably slightly sad. Hopefully that wasn't a sign of what this summer is going to be like.

I need to get a job. I need to be busy, because I already feel so restless. I feel like I could be in Berlin, or Virginia Beach, or anywhere else right now doing so much more than just sitting here. Who knows how this summer will pan out. All I know right now, is that I have very little faith of how it'll be. And this isn't glorifying to God at all.

Abba Father, I need you to change my heart.

packing up

I'm sitting here in my room... it's so weird. I've been packing it up all day. I needed to take a breather.

Last night was fun. It was a nice conclusion to the year. Ice cream was fun, and hanging out in my room afterwards... and then Ihop. That was... interesting at 2 in the morning, but fun nonetheless. It was a good time of forgetting about everything, and just fooling around, and enjoying each other's company. I love times like that.

Now, everyone's pretty much gone. It's pouring rain outside, my car is at beaners and I need to go get it soon so I can pack it up and then drive home. I'm here packing, and it's not going so well. I hate doing this. I hate having to move everything. I just want to stay, and be content, like I've been all year. I don't want to go home. And I didn't want to say goodbye to people and I don't want to leave here for the summer. I don't see what this summer has in store. I don't see it at all. I hope I don't end up doing what I know I'm capabale of doing... by sitting and not growing. By being content with not growing at home, like I've done my entire life. I'm afraid. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be faced with the challenge that I know I'm going to be faced with, starting tonight when I roll into Farmington Hills. This is the first time I'll be at home, where I've been walking with the Lord. And now, it'll be a challenge to actually continue walking with him - it'll be hard to not get into the old habits. I don't want to face this challenge.



Lord, I feel really helpless right now. I don't want to do this. Help me to know that you're here with me right now, because I feel really, really alone.