"...plans to give you a hope and a future..."

"Good luck today! I'll be praying. Know that God will not let a jury stop you from finishing the plans he has for you."

"I hope your barrier jury went well today. God knows what he's doing either way."

-April 29, 2008

I saved both of these text messages all the way back from springtime, when I had to play my barrier jury. Today I was going back through my inbox at texts I had saved and came across these.

I learned so much from such simple messages, and at the time God definitely used them to speak to my heart, and show me something I had never even thought of before. God's plan for me is set in stone... meaning, nothing I do is going to get in the way of the perfect life story that He has planned for me. Even though it looks scary down the road - this semester... this year... this summer... in two years when I have a classroom of my own (yikes!!!), I know that ultimately, He's got it. I know I can't get ahead of myself, or this present day, because each day has enough trouble of its own.

In other words, things like school, and music, and these horrible, consistant migraines are not going to hinder me from finishing out the plans that my father has for me, and I don't need to worry about them because God has it under control...

Now, I just have to believe it with all my heart.

There will be a day...

I am losing heart. Trying not to, but I am. I need to hold on to Him when things are hard. I need to hold on to Him even though I don't understand why He is allowing me to experience such intense pain in my head. I don't understand it. He loves me so much - I know that. But do I trust Him enough that I still know that He loves me when He allows the pain to come?


I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end,
His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why, this is why I sing


Abba, I don't understand. Help me to. Help me to hold on to you when I need you the most. Give me strength so that I can walk on firm ground and still be joyful and shine for you despite the pain you allow. Father, give me the strength to carry on. Help me to press on because of the gift you have given me... the gift of free love. Abba, I long for the day when there will be no more tears - the day I will see you face to face. Until then, Father, encourage my heart.

You're the God of this City

I want to go somewhere.
I know God has shaped my heart for exactly His purpose, and all I want to do is follow after what He has planned. I want to follow after His own heart.

There are greater things that are left to come. Life here on earth as His child is just a mere shadow of the things to come, and I want as many people as possible to get a glimpse of heaven here on earth, so that they can see far into eternity.

There is no one like our God...
There is no one like You, God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city

God, bring me back to you. My head hurts. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and it would disappear. Show me why this is happening. I don't understand. It hurts so much sometimes. Father, I need your comfort. I need your loving comfort.

Life

Sometimes the thoughts in my head are too much and they get too jumbled up. I need to trust God with these things...

- My head hurts.

- I lost all of my keys yesterday and so far they have not turned up. There were six music school keys, my room and bathroom keys, and my car keys too... all on the same key chain. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to trust that they'll turn up somehow.

- I am broke. I need a job. I hope I get hired as a desk receptionist in West Circle once I turn in this application.

Being in the music school is hard, because I don't feel as "hard-core" about music as everyone else around me does. I feel like I sit in a practice room and feel awful afterwards because nothing gets accomplished and a feel like a failure when things sound bad. Sometimes it's a wonder... I can sit down at a piano for two hours at a time and just... play. But then I try and sit in the little prison-boxes in the music building, and I can't stand it more than twenty five minutes. I'm not motivated. In high school I could practice for hours. I wonder what happened. Hm.. maybe it's because my whole life, I strived and fought to be perfect and be the best at music. I'm walking with Christ now, and I know this isn't possible. Perfection isn't ever possible with music. Perfection isn't ever possible, and I embrace this. I embrace this because I know God accepts me just for who I am. How do I relate this back to music? How do I find joy in a practice room? All I want to do is ministry. I know it's possible here, in the music school but I haven't figured it out yet. It's hard. I have no motivation for school. I need to come back down to earth...

I need to ask my professor what motivates her. She loves Jesus, so I trust her.

I need to armor myself more in God's word, so I can be protected, and so I am not so easy to listen to lies and be deceived.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

It's been a hard week.

It's 2:30 am...

Abba, I cry out to you right now. My head is in so much pain and I can't sleep. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I know your plan for me is perfect. I know that since your plan is perfect and since you are perfect, whatever your will is for me, is perfect too, and everything that goes alongside it. So Father, if you are allowing me to endure this pain for good, I trust that it is in your hands. I trust that you have everything under control. I know that it is far beyond my knowledge, so God, help me to persevere through this. Don't let me lose heart and help me to remember that you love me and you have overcome the world. God, through these last ten months of experiencing this pain, I have learned to rely on you in ways I never have had to before. So if this is what it takes, Father - if I need to endure this pain a little longer to draw closer to you, then let your will be done. But father, comfort me in this pain. It's almost unbearable and I just need to feel your loving touch.

Abba, show me your loving comfort.
Amen.


We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
-2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Radical Love

I want to live my life radically changed, for the rest of my life. I want to live the rest of my life serving others and making sure that they can catch even just a small glimpse of who Christ is.

Bible study was awesome last night. Learning and reading about Paul in Acts and the early church is so encouraging and such a good example of what it means to truly follow Christ. Paul amazes me sometimes.

But Jews came from Antioch and Iconium, and having persuaed the crowds they stoned Paul and dragged him out of the city, supposing that he was dead. But when the disciples gathered about him he rose up and entered the city, and on the next day he went on with Barnabas to Derbe.
-Acts 15:19-20

This amazes me. After being stoned almost to death, I know for a fact that going back into the city would not be my first reaction. What is so incredible about all of this, is that it displays God's love so perfectly. Paul's heart truly broke for these people, because He wanted them to know the truth and experience the love of his father in the same ways that he did. This radical love is what I want. I want my heart to break more for the people around me. As I sit here in a coffee shop, I watch the people come in to buy their "teddy bears" or "carmel mochas" before they go to class. Then they leave. Some have probably never thought about what they're going to class for - what they're working so hard for. Others are searching for the answers to life's questions. Some just need to hear that everything is going to be okay... that everything is in control and there is a God that loves them so much. He's a loving Father that wants to take all burdens and cary them upon His shoulders. And all it takes is for someone ordinary - a ragamuffin like myself to tell them.

So what holds me back? What holds me back from proclaiming the only thing I know true? Why am I apprehensive to sharing the love of Christ with the ones I hold close - with the ones I love so much?

Noel explained it so well on Saturday. I need to be able to coexist with those around me, and I need to be able to love them enough to want to share the Gospel. So often it is spread and proclaimed for ears to hear, but in such a way that is hurtful and unloving. It's a wondery why so many people are turned off to christians, and turned off to the Gospel...the Gospel of Grace. I need to be more loving so that it is evident that Christ's love abounds in grace, and not as a persecution. I need to be more loving so that His love is radiant, and so that it would naturally flow from my lips.

Something struck me at curch on Sunday. He painted the picture of Lazarus and the rich man in the book of Luke. If a close friend died and could see what lied ahead without Christ, there would be no question - this person would want me to tell them about Christ. When I put it into perspective, an awkward conversation or chance of altering a friendship doesn't seem to even matter. If I truly loved, nothing would hold me back. If I really treasured the Gospel and treasured my Jesus, then this would be overflowing from me, and more would hear the Good News - the Gospel of Grace which is the greatest Love Story that was, and ever will be.

Abba, break my heart. Break my heart so that I am quick to love. Overwhelm me with your spirit so that I am filled up with your love, so that I can show this love to others. Yahweh, teach me, so that I can walk in your ways, so I can walk in your footsteps all the days of my life.

It is well!!

My heart is SO full.

I want the world to experience this Love - this feeling of ETERNAL comfort and unexplainable Love!!

I want to see the eyes of God's children when they hear of Jesus' name for the first time...


The Lord is at work in my life, and continues to open up my heart and mind, to prepare me for the plan He has from me.

This feeling I have - this feeling of excitement and joy... it is not of me. I am joyful because HE lives!!! I am joyful because He CONTINUES to bless my life. I am joyful because He never fails!!! I am joyful because He fills me up, and He fills the void that used to be in my heart. He pours into me, He has placed wonderful people in my life, and He has brought me to a place where I can gladly say, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!"

Praise God!!


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Blessed Beyond Measure...

When I prayed a year ago for the Lord to show me the Body of Christ, I had no idea what He had in store. I'm at a loss for words at what He is capable of doing, and the deep relationships that He has formed in my life.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Prayer

God, save me from this pain. I cry out to you, O Lord because my head hurts so much. I cry out to you with the full confidence that you can, and will remove this pain from me. I know you are good, and I know you love me. I know that you only want what's best. God, please help me, for without you I am nothing. Absolutely nothing.