Botanical Gardens

On Sunday I went up to MSU for two days. I needed to get away for a little bit. On Monday morning, I was able to go into the Botanical Gardens and read the word and journal. It was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed, to re-charge my batteries and to get the right perspective on things.

I love East Lansing. I love it on campus. I love Michigan State. I love Adam's field, and I love the Botanical Gardens. I love west circle. I love community. And I miss it all.

This summer has been really hard. I think I've gone through every emotion, except for joy. And this is supposed to be what I live in every single day. Since I know Christ, I should be able to live every waking moment of my life with the perspective of eternal Joy. But once again, I have fallen short. But what I'm finding out right now is that it's okay. The only way I would have joy always, and no sadness at all, is if I was perfect, which I am not - nor will I ever be or claim to be.

In the last ten weeks of my life, I have spent my time wallowing and being angry with God. I've been angry with the circumstances of this summer, and I've been angry that the Lord would allow me to fall back into old habits, and that He would allow me to run from Him in the complete opposite direction. But I'm figuring out that it's what this whole free-will thing is all about. He has the reigns, but I have the decision and I have the choice. He doesn't want a robot for a child. No parent does. And as much as He wants me to love Him, and as much as He wants me to choose Him all the time, He wants me to mean it with my heart. He wants me to love Him and live for Him, because it's with my all. And, though I may run, and though I may be angry, these seasons only last for a little while, as my loving Father pulls me back to Him, and gives me a taste of the love I have been running from. This is called grace. Grace is what has saved me. And once again I have realized this, and I am eternally grateful that I am His, and He will never let me go.

Abba, thank you for holding on. Thank you for instilling your love and your heart within me, so that deep down I know that you are my God, and I am yours.


My grace is sufficient for you...
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Everlasting Love

I'm figuring out what love truly means. I've always struggled with and wondered why God would love me... why He would give me a second chance, offering me eternal life. I'm not worthy of mercy. I'm worthy of death, yet God invests His life into me and decides to bestow mercy upon me, teaching me what True Life really is. God created us to be in perfect harmony with Him. Yes - He knew that sin would enter the world, and the perfect world He created would be a sinful place. But that's why He sent Jesus. He sent His only son - the one whom He loved, and He sacrificed Himself on our behalf... on my behalf. He loved me so much, that He wanted to win me back. He wanted me to choose Him once again, through the turmoil and through the sin. I am saved by Grace and Mercy and the more I walk in His truth, the more freedom I experience. The more that I walk in Him, the more love I experience... the kind of Love that was meant to be in the first place.

When I think I'm going under
part the waters Lord
When I feel the waves around me
calm the sea
When I cry for help
oh hear me Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me

I know that through the struggle, and through the storms, You are always going to be there. There's nothing that could ever tear me apart from You. There's nothing that could ever possibly cause me to fall back into the pit. Things are hard. Things are disappointing. But these "things" are those of this earth. What truly matters is Your love, which is greater than any earthly thing. Everlasting Love is enough to get me through. It is sufficient. It is patient. It is kind. Love always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. I know that You are always going to love me, and I know that you're always going to be hanging on to me... loving me, just like You always have, and just like You always will.

Love never fails
...1 Corinthians 13:8

I need You - Your touch, Your life, Your love...

I feel like things are falling apart. I've been close to tears for hours, and I just want to feel better. I have this wrenching feeling inside me... this feeling of insignifance and disappointment. This summer has just been so hard. For a moment I thought everything was okay. But between the migraines all the time and this new job, I feel completely broken down and worthless. I'm trying to remember Romans 5:3...

we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance...

It's just so hard. When the world around me is crumbling I should be able to turn to my Lord and Savior for comfort. He should be the only one who can provide it. I should be able to just reach my hands up for His touch, knowing and believing that everything is going to be okay.

I am so incredibly exhausted.

Jesus, take it all

When? When does it go away? At what point is it enough? When does all this waiting... all this pain, and the exhaustion from it all - when does it end? When is it enough?

Why won't You take it? Why won't You show me what You have planned? When is the pain going to stop?

I don't believe Jeremiah 29:11 right now. I know it's truth. But I'm having a hard time completely believing it. It's hard when there's a constant reminder in my very own head... of the lies and inflicting pain - causing me to constantly remember that it's there... that the pain is still there. And it's not going away anytime soon.

It's hard to submit myself or even begin to want to trust at this point. All I can hope for at this point, is that He still wants me... that He still wants me to be His child. Because I know that I'm mnot going to find my way back all by myself.

I've fallen. I've fallen really deep this time.

Here I am

Jesus, take it all. Take the migraines, take the pain. Take this stagnancy, take my reluctance to pursue You. Take my life, and take my heart. For nothing I have is mine. It is Yours. Everything is Yours. I am Yours. Jesus, take it all away.

I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

Times are achangin'

Last night was my last night working at the movie theater. I also got accused of being "racist" by a sixteen year old girl, because I wouldn't give her the children's discount... which entails that person being eleven years old or younger. She preceeded to tell her friend that she was going to go over to the other box office to buy a ticket. When her friend asked her why, the girl responded, "because the person over there is black." I felt belittled. I was really upset afterward and couldn't shake that feeling. I'm not racist at all. It bothers me that there are still those connotations and stereotypes about either race, and I wish it would just go away. I'm glad it was my last night. Things like that are what made that job miserable, and I'm glad to be done. What I am going to miss are the few good relationships that I had with some people. I feel like with a couple of the girls I worked with, some good conversations were starting to happen. But now I'm not going to be there anymore. The Lord's timing is perfect, and people are brought into our lives at a specific time, for a specific reason and for a purpose. The hard part is when they leave. That's the part I struggle with. I love when God places people there for me - when God reveals His love to me through them, and when God places them there to love me, and to show me things, according to His purpose. I just want them to be there forever. I don't really like change all that much. I've always struggled with it, and I've always had a really hard time with it. Thank God for Heaven. It's something to look forward to.

I think I need to be a teacher. Someone told me when I was amidst barrier juries in the spring, that no matter what the outcome of everything, nothing is going to stop God's plan for me to be carried out. I guess this is comforting because I know that I can't screw it up. So in realizing this, I've decided that I'm pretty sure teaching is what I need to do. I've been trying to find excuses and reasons not to, and I've been running. But it's just in me. I want to impact students' lives. I want to share the love of Christ with them. I want to be like how so many teachers were to me. Teachers who cared, and teachers who loved their students. For a while the passion was gone, and I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to get it back. But I'm sure this time. This summer has been good in that I have been able to see that God's plan for me is to teach. I know that I'm still going to have doubts and apprehensions and conflicts, but I know that I need to stop running and face everything I have in front of me, so I can finish this degree and get through to what God has me on this earth to do.

I have been struggling a lot this summer. I can't believe it's already halfway over. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I can't wait to get back to MSU and see everyone, however I really do like having the nice warm weather, and no class. It's actually kind of nice. But I have been struggling. I've been really struggling in my personal relationship with God. I didn't think that I would ever come close to how everything was before. Last year was a time of searching, and last summer was a time that I was able to re-discover God, but in a new way, so that I had full confidence of Him, and His love, and His sovereignty. This last school year was a substantial time of growth, and a substantial time of community amongst all my sisters and brothers. Never once before had I experienced anything like this before. But this summer is different. Even though I have obtained a picture of who God is, and I have learned so much and crossed an incredible journey of emotion, doubt, and love, I stand here today, and I'm still struggling. Some are things I've been struggling with for a long time. Familiar doubts have been re-instilled into my mind and heart, and I can't seem to shake them. I have been believing all kinds of lies that I know aren't true, but I have not been in the word enough to put on the full armor of God to protect myself. And ultimately, I have been letting the father of lies keep me silent - in making me believe that I am insignificant. He makes me think that I am the only one that struggles with these things, and that the things I struggle with are not things that I should be, if I was a child of God. He even puts it into my head that I cannot be a Christian if I am still struggling with the "old" ways - still having a hard time with things that I did years ago.

I know that God is never changing, and He just waits there till His lost sheep return home, ready to welcome me back in. But how do I do this? After a summer of sin, and frustration, and being deceived, how do I turn this around and start believing the truth, when I am so frustrated already?

Lord this is the cry of my heart - that you would help me. That you would save me. Take my frustration, take my struggle, take my insufficiencies, take my pain, and take my sin. Take it all away.