When I go down

"You give me Hope
And Hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart
And when you do you make it light.
As I exhale, I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you"

I've been sick. Almost went to the hospital last week. I'm feeling better, but it's been hard. I haven't been running to the One who'll love me always, when I need Him most. I think I've been broken down to the point where all I can do is turn to Him.

Abba, I'm in need of you. This last week has been so hard to get through. I haven't been feeling well. I've felt so sick. But Father, the beauty of you is that you've seen the pian and all the discomfort I've been going through. You've seen the tears that I've wanted to cry, and you were in the boat with me when the pain was so unbearable. Father, pull me back to you. I haven't been turning to you through this, and I just know how much you want me to. Loving Father, I am overwhelmed with how great your live is for me. Thank you for still being there, with open arms, embracing and holding me all the days of my life. I love you.


"When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
'cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again."


But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy... the heaviest it's been in a long time.
God's putting things in my heart for a reason. Others, I need to give completely to Him and stop thinking about them.


Bible study last night was good. Convicting, but good.
I need to live with reckless abandon for Him.
A radical life - a life sold out for Him.
I need to not be afriad, because being afraid means I don't have enough faith. Sad... but true.

When am I going nto start living like I actually believe everything God tells me instead of just believing in some of the things He says.

Lord, you know what's on my heart. Take away the things that are there out of anxiety, and out of my lack of trust in you.

...

Sometimes all we can do is hold on to the things that we know true.

God is good. His plan is perfect. His plan is perfect. His plan is perfect...
Sometimes I just need to keep repeating that over and over again to myself.

I'm realizing more and more how precious life is, and how much I take it for granted. So often I walk round, as if I'm going to live till I'm 85, when in reality, I should never assume anything. God's the only one that knows. He's the only one that has my entire life planned out, and He is the only one who is all-knowing of these things.

God's definitely working in some strange ways right now... ways that I definitely don't understand or think are fair. I just need to keep holding on to the truth that I know... that He does everything for good. He is good. He is loving, and His plan is perfect, as much as I don't understand.

Lord, be with him. I pray that you would work a miracle. Father, keep them in your arms.

Abba, reveal your comfort. Unleash Your love so that there is no question as to who You are. Father, help them to hold on to Your Truth. Shine your light on them.

"...plans to give you a hope and a future..."

"Good luck today! I'll be praying. Know that God will not let a jury stop you from finishing the plans he has for you."

"I hope your barrier jury went well today. God knows what he's doing either way."

-April 29, 2008

I saved both of these text messages all the way back from springtime, when I had to play my barrier jury. Today I was going back through my inbox at texts I had saved and came across these.

I learned so much from such simple messages, and at the time God definitely used them to speak to my heart, and show me something I had never even thought of before. God's plan for me is set in stone... meaning, nothing I do is going to get in the way of the perfect life story that He has planned for me. Even though it looks scary down the road - this semester... this year... this summer... in two years when I have a classroom of my own (yikes!!!), I know that ultimately, He's got it. I know I can't get ahead of myself, or this present day, because each day has enough trouble of its own.

In other words, things like school, and music, and these horrible, consistant migraines are not going to hinder me from finishing out the plans that my father has for me, and I don't need to worry about them because God has it under control...

Now, I just have to believe it with all my heart.

There will be a day...

I am losing heart. Trying not to, but I am. I need to hold on to Him when things are hard. I need to hold on to Him even though I don't understand why He is allowing me to experience such intense pain in my head. I don't understand it. He loves me so much - I know that. But do I trust Him enough that I still know that He loves me when He allows the pain to come?


I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end,
His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why, this is why I sing


Abba, I don't understand. Help me to. Help me to hold on to you when I need you the most. Give me strength so that I can walk on firm ground and still be joyful and shine for you despite the pain you allow. Father, give me the strength to carry on. Help me to press on because of the gift you have given me... the gift of free love. Abba, I long for the day when there will be no more tears - the day I will see you face to face. Until then, Father, encourage my heart.

You're the God of this City

I want to go somewhere.
I know God has shaped my heart for exactly His purpose, and all I want to do is follow after what He has planned. I want to follow after His own heart.

There are greater things that are left to come. Life here on earth as His child is just a mere shadow of the things to come, and I want as many people as possible to get a glimpse of heaven here on earth, so that they can see far into eternity.

There is no one like our God...
There is no one like You, God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city

God, bring me back to you. My head hurts. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and it would disappear. Show me why this is happening. I don't understand. It hurts so much sometimes. Father, I need your comfort. I need your loving comfort.