Three of my good friends left for Berlin two days ago for a summer project - to do His good work and to share the love of Christ in the hard soil over there. One of them gave me a phone call from the airport beforehand. She told me that no one had accepted Christ in Berlin yet. They're jumping on board to try and change that. The soil's hard. The people have no hope. I'm praying everyday for the team to have enough encouragement and hope, so that Christ's love will reflect off of them and the people will see it, and want it, and have hope that there is someone out there worth living for - someone that loves them.
I think I've forgotten about eternal perspective. Because, things like my job, and living at home, and worrying about money - all of these things would be those that I wouldn't have to worry about or be frustrated with if I really trusted God and I really believed how sovereign He is above all things in this world. I once knew this. I once believed it. So why do I feel like this now? It's funny when I look at how my summer could've been - how it was going to be... on project, serving Him and dedicating my summer to Him. At the end of the school year, I felt close to God, I didn't think that this summer would lead to where I am today. I kind of feel ashamed - I know I've let God down. And I know He's just waiting for me to run back into His arms because, He's always waiting. So what's my problem then? Am I like the person that's referred to in Hebrews 6:4? That verse scares me. That's the verse that started these migraines to begin with... Maybe I'm just going through a rough spot. I guess I haven't really had one of those in a while. I've forgotten what it feels like. I don't like it.
I think too much. I need to just be obedient. I need to just trust. I need to stop believing that I am worthless to the kingdom. But it's hard. When I look at people going to Berlin - a place with some of the hardest soil, and then I look at what I'm doing now. I'm not making an impact. I'm not sharing the love of Christ. What am I doing? Sitting here, and believing the lies, and looking at all my insuffiencies, and realizing what a sinner I am - and I'm doing nothing. I think the stagnancy has caught up. I feel worthless and I'm tired. The migraines still won't leave my head. I still feel really alone. I have this feeling... a welled up feeling... the kind of feeling where I just kind of want to sit and cry on someone's shoulder for a while.
I don't understand how anyone without the hope of Jesus Christ could have enough motivation day in and day out. At least I have that. At least at the end of the day I know that Jesus is my Savior and God is unchanging. I just wish I wasn't so quick to change, and I wish I was more constant in my faith and I wish I fought a little bit harder to be a better daughter... a better servant. A servant even at all...
Lord, change my heart. Mold me back into the girl you made me to be. I desperately need you. Please, show yourself to me once again. Show me that you love me. I've forgotten what that means. I need to be reminded. I am a wandering sheep, and I need my Shepherd to show me the way back home once again.
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