And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
-Psalm 39:7
I realized how long it's been since I last wrote in here... almost four months in a couple weeks. Last time, I was in the midst of changing my major - big step of faith for me. Once I realized I had such a tight grip on my future and wasn't giving God the reigns, I knew I needed to let go and give Him full control. I knew music ed. wasn't it for me. I've known this for a long time, but just wasn't willing to step out of the boat, because I knew it would lead to the 'unknown' part of my life...
And so fast-forward to now. I'm sitting here at 1 in the morning and I can't shut my mind off. I should totally be asleep. It's already been one heck of a week, and I'm absolutely overwhelmed with everything going on around me.
Yesterday I bawled my eyes out in my car. I wore sunglasses in the store to cover my face up. And then on my way back to my dorm, I cried a lot again. I usually never cry. I find myself quite overwhelmed with everything right now. School is really difficult right now, and I'm struggling. I can't go to class when the migraines get really painful, and they've been really persistent lately. Really amazing friends are graduating, and I'm finding it really hard to grasp how things will be next year. Zambia didn't work out for this summer, and it's looking like summer projects are full now. I'm believing lies - lies that God can't use me because I have migraines. Why is it that when life seems so hard to handle, do I let it remain that way in my head, and I let myself forget who's in contol?
I need to focus on the simple truths that I know of God... that He loves me, that He's sovereign above everything that I could possibly imagine, that He looks at me and sees me as His spotless lamb, because He has washed away all of my sin - all of this crap that I keep carrying around. He really has incredible Grace for me. I keep forgetting that.
I think if anything this semester, God's definitely been teaching me how to wait and trust Him. I've never really had to rely on Him for absolutely everything in my life. Well, now I do. As I sit here - futureless without Him, graduating from college in a year with no next step in mind, going home again this summer (not the original plan...), and with the migraines as persistent as ever, I know that I absolutely need my Father more than ever. He's the only one who'll provide discernment for my next steps, and I know that He's the only one who'll provide me comfort when I need it, while I'm sitting here waiting. I just need to remember that always, because I'm so quick to forget.
Father I need you. I need Your love to cover my brokenness.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the Boat
It's all starting tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, and at this point everytime I think about how much I don't have any clue as to what is going on in my life anymore, the more anxious I become. What happened to all the plans? What happened to the simplicity of getting a degree and finishing school? Obviously God's got another plan. I guess what I'm learning is that even when I do have something in mind, God has something in mind too, and that isn't always in alignment with what I might want or think is right. And, either He's making it absolutely clear to me now that He wants me to do something different, or He's seeing if I'll put my trust in Him. Maybe He's seeing if I'll actually have a little initiative... a little bit of faith like Peter did, and test those waters and step foot out of the boat, and trust that my Savior is going to catch me and cover me. A good friend recommended that I read a book called, If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the Boat. At the point of life I'm at right now, I thought it might be interesting.
There's a part that struck me. In Mark's version of the story of Peter, it says that Jesus "meant to pass by them." (Mark 6:48) In this book, the author points out that "to pass by" is used in the Greek Translation of the Old Testament, and this is what it means: Defining moments when God made "striking and temporary appearances in the earthly realm to a select individual or group for the purpose of communicating a message."
"'God put Moses in a cleft in a rock so Moese could see 'while my glory passes by.' ...The Lord passed before him."
God told Elijah to stand on the mountain "for the Lord is about to pass by."
There is a pattern to these stories. In each case God had to get people's attention - through a burning bush, or wind and fire, or walking on the water. With each person God was going to call them to do something extraordinary. In each situation the person that God called felt afraid. But every time that people said "yes" to their calling, they experienced the power of God in their lives."
Right now, I'm afraid for what is to come. I'm not really sure what God's doing, and it doesn't feel good in the least bit. I think that one thing I'm learning right now is that when I'm in the valley, it's when God's doing the most work. When I'm humbled, it's when God can do the most work - and He's going to follow through and eventually show me what's going on. I just have to wait, and keep clinging to what I know is true about Him.
Father, my prayer in all of this is that you protect my heart and make it joyful to glorifly you. In the midst of it all, make me joyful and overflow with happyness so that the love of Christ shines through me, so that others can see you. That is what you call us to do. Paul did it. You sent your son, and HE did it... the greatest gift of all... and now I am here for that reason, to share that goodness - in sickness... in health... in suffering... in pain... in mountaintops, and in valleys. Lord, you are my hiding place. You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Ps. 32:7) Fix my eyes on you.
This is what your word says...
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
(Isaiah 43:19)
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
(Psalm 25:1-5)
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
(Psalm 25:20-21)
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)
So Father, help me believe it all... to forget the lies and believe the truth, and to trust that you are with me. This is my prayer. My hope is in You.
There's a part that struck me. In Mark's version of the story of Peter, it says that Jesus "meant to pass by them." (Mark 6:48) In this book, the author points out that "to pass by" is used in the Greek Translation of the Old Testament, and this is what it means: Defining moments when God made "striking and temporary appearances in the earthly realm to a select individual or group for the purpose of communicating a message."
"'God put Moses in a cleft in a rock so Moese could see 'while my glory passes by.' ...The Lord passed before him."
God told Elijah to stand on the mountain "for the Lord is about to pass by."
There is a pattern to these stories. In each case God had to get people's attention - through a burning bush, or wind and fire, or walking on the water. With each person God was going to call them to do something extraordinary. In each situation the person that God called felt afraid. But every time that people said "yes" to their calling, they experienced the power of God in their lives."
Right now, I'm afraid for what is to come. I'm not really sure what God's doing, and it doesn't feel good in the least bit. I think that one thing I'm learning right now is that when I'm in the valley, it's when God's doing the most work. When I'm humbled, it's when God can do the most work - and He's going to follow through and eventually show me what's going on. I just have to wait, and keep clinging to what I know is true about Him.
Father, my prayer in all of this is that you protect my heart and make it joyful to glorifly you. In the midst of it all, make me joyful and overflow with happyness so that the love of Christ shines through me, so that others can see you. That is what you call us to do. Paul did it. You sent your son, and HE did it... the greatest gift of all... and now I am here for that reason, to share that goodness - in sickness... in health... in suffering... in pain... in mountaintops, and in valleys. Lord, you are my hiding place. You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Ps. 32:7) Fix my eyes on you.
This is what your word says...
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
(Isaiah 43:19)
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
(Psalm 25:1-5)
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
(Psalm 25:20-21)
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)
So Father, help me believe it all... to forget the lies and believe the truth, and to trust that you are with me. This is my prayer. My hope is in You.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Back to the land of Green and White
So today's it... in a couple hours I'm heading back to school to start another semester - my sixth semester at MSU... where things are complicated, and I have no idea where my path is leading. I've enjoyed these last four weeks of rest and carefree living. I guess life can't be put on hold forever...
I'm scared out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect at all. All of the things I have to do - people I have to talk to, and different options I now have to weigh and make decisions on... I have no desire to do any of it. Part of me wants to run. I know He has a plan in the midst of it all, but that doesn't make any of this feel any better or any less scarier. I'm twenty-one years old and my world has been turned upside-down. MOst people know at least what they're going to get their degree in by now. Without the faintest idea, because of constant roadblocks, it's just so discouraging. And the biggest question is, how am I going to bring my Father glory in the midst of all of this? I need to. I'm called to do it. He is worthy of it. I need to pray for it.
Abba, I just need you to fill me in with all of this, somehow. I know you will, but please, do it quickly because I seriously feel like I'm drowning in it all. Help me not to freak out... Right now I'm freaking out. You know how scared to death I am of this, and you know how much I've been trying to avoid even the slightest thoughts of any of this. Keep me in your arms. I don't want to do this, but I know that I have to. Keep me safe... "Let me not be put to shame." (Ps. 25)
Keep showing me that your love is enough.
My hope is in you.
I'm scared out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect at all. All of the things I have to do - people I have to talk to, and different options I now have to weigh and make decisions on... I have no desire to do any of it. Part of me wants to run. I know He has a plan in the midst of it all, but that doesn't make any of this feel any better or any less scarier. I'm twenty-one years old and my world has been turned upside-down. MOst people know at least what they're going to get their degree in by now. Without the faintest idea, because of constant roadblocks, it's just so discouraging. And the biggest question is, how am I going to bring my Father glory in the midst of all of this? I need to. I'm called to do it. He is worthy of it. I need to pray for it.
Abba, I just need you to fill me in with all of this, somehow. I know you will, but please, do it quickly because I seriously feel like I'm drowning in it all. Help me not to freak out... Right now I'm freaking out. You know how scared to death I am of this, and you know how much I've been trying to avoid even the slightest thoughts of any of this. Keep me in your arms. I don't want to do this, but I know that I have to. Keep me safe... "Let me not be put to shame." (Ps. 25)
Keep showing me that your love is enough.
My hope is in you.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I am BLESSED
Last night I spent two and a half hours writing in my journal of ways that I am blessed. There are many, and so I thought I'd share, because the Lord is good, and He never fails to show this...
*I have a healthy, loving family
*My parents are christians, they raised me this way, and even though I didn't quite grasp it till later, I still heard about Jesus, knew that He loved me somehow, and I grew up going to church every Sunday
*I go to college - a university, and I stand in the 1-percentile of college-aged students in the world who actually get this opportunity.
*I am part of a wonderful organization in Cru... where I have never quite experienced fellowship like this before - whos mission is to truly "go forth" and share Jesus with those around us, whether that be on campus, in our homes, in our communities, in our classes, at work, around the United States, and around the world - wherever that may be.
*I am absolutely blessed to live in West Circle - to have the sisters I do, to be able to experience the Body of Christ in the way that I am able to - it has been incredible. I am truly blessed.
*Life Group - growing in Christ as a small group of girls
*Discipleship - Learning more how to share faith, learning what it means to love and pour into others
*Worship Team - Learning what it truly means to help lead people into the presence of God... we're not "just musicians," but used as God's instruments/His tools...
*Having the opportunity to learn what it means to truly worship Him while being on the worship team, learning to completely surrender and not think of playing worship music as a perfect "performance," but rather - a song of praise to the Father, who deserves all praise and is worthy of all praise.
*Christmas Conferene - Having the opportunity to go and hear the different speakers and listening to the different things God was saying through them; getting the opportunity to share the Gospel for the first time; getting the opportunity to go into Indianapolis and share Christ's love with the people that lived there - the people that so desperately need to hear His voice and know that there is Hope; being able to meet with God at a time in m life where I feel very lost and confused with what I should do with it... being surrounded by my closest friends and sisters, and being able to worship our Father with 2,500 others around Michigan, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois - so amazing!
*Having the Hope of Jesus Christ in my life. Knowing that despite my insufficiencies, and in spite of all of my fears and failures and all my sins, He's always going to love me. Knowing that I'm going to always fall short in everything I do, but it's okay because Jesus fills up those gaps that I leave empty. Knowing that right now, I have absolutely no idea what He is doing in my life, or with my life. But all I can do right now is wait, and with His Hope, just know and expect that whatever it is, it's going to be awesome, and it's going to be just right... becuase it's going to be what He wants for my life. Whatever He's got planned, it will all make sense one day, and my heart will be in the right place - just as my Creator... my God created it to be.
Abba, help me not to forget that I am so blessed! You have given me so much, including the greatest gift, which is your son... the gift of everlasting life. What greater gift of love than this? And now, you as me to wait. Help me to be patient. Help me to hold on to your simple truths - You've got this all under control - You're in the boat with me - You're not gunna leave my side - You love me - You're God and I can't possibly understand everything You do - You love me... Your love is everlasting.
*So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the theings that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
*I have a healthy, loving family
*My parents are christians, they raised me this way, and even though I didn't quite grasp it till later, I still heard about Jesus, knew that He loved me somehow, and I grew up going to church every Sunday
*I go to college - a university, and I stand in the 1-percentile of college-aged students in the world who actually get this opportunity.
*I am part of a wonderful organization in Cru... where I have never quite experienced fellowship like this before - whos mission is to truly "go forth" and share Jesus with those around us, whether that be on campus, in our homes, in our communities, in our classes, at work, around the United States, and around the world - wherever that may be.
*I am absolutely blessed to live in West Circle - to have the sisters I do, to be able to experience the Body of Christ in the way that I am able to - it has been incredible. I am truly blessed.
*Life Group - growing in Christ as a small group of girls
*Discipleship - Learning more how to share faith, learning what it means to love and pour into others
*Worship Team - Learning what it truly means to help lead people into the presence of God... we're not "just musicians," but used as God's instruments/His tools...
*Having the opportunity to learn what it means to truly worship Him while being on the worship team, learning to completely surrender and not think of playing worship music as a perfect "performance," but rather - a song of praise to the Father, who deserves all praise and is worthy of all praise.
*Christmas Conferene - Having the opportunity to go and hear the different speakers and listening to the different things God was saying through them; getting the opportunity to share the Gospel for the first time; getting the opportunity to go into Indianapolis and share Christ's love with the people that lived there - the people that so desperately need to hear His voice and know that there is Hope; being able to meet with God at a time in m life where I feel very lost and confused with what I should do with it... being surrounded by my closest friends and sisters, and being able to worship our Father with 2,500 others around Michigan, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois - so amazing!
*Having the Hope of Jesus Christ in my life. Knowing that despite my insufficiencies, and in spite of all of my fears and failures and all my sins, He's always going to love me. Knowing that I'm going to always fall short in everything I do, but it's okay because Jesus fills up those gaps that I leave empty. Knowing that right now, I have absolutely no idea what He is doing in my life, or with my life. But all I can do right now is wait, and with His Hope, just know and expect that whatever it is, it's going to be awesome, and it's going to be just right... becuase it's going to be what He wants for my life. Whatever He's got planned, it will all make sense one day, and my heart will be in the right place - just as my Creator... my God created it to be.
Abba, help me not to forget that I am so blessed! You have given me so much, including the greatest gift, which is your son... the gift of everlasting life. What greater gift of love than this? And now, you as me to wait. Help me to be patient. Help me to hold on to your simple truths - You've got this all under control - You're in the boat with me - You're not gunna leave my side - You love me - You're God and I can't possibly understand everything You do - You love me... Your love is everlasting.
*So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the theings that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
Friday, December 19, 2008
My hope is in You
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)
As my Father, You ask me to wait... You've made that clear. Anything I've tried to figure out on my own in my life this far, I've just screwed it up... or You've let me know that You want something different by throwing me some sort of curveball. This last one hit home. And right now, it stings. It hurts... it doesn't feel good. But, You ask me to obey You, and I guess at this point, it's all I can do. Because everything else is so unclear and I have no idea what anything means, all I can do is cling to what I know is true... and that is You,
Abba, help me to do that. Help me to trust You, and to wait on You. Help me to trust that everything will be okay, and that You've already got it covered.
As Your child, I'm gunna try to do that. I'm going to try and trust You... trust that Your going to give me guidance and clarity. But I need Your help.
I know You are good. I know You love me. I know You have not led me here alone and You will always be in the boat with me... right alongside me. You promise to never leave Your children... be with me when I am brokenhearted, and show me Your comfort. I need You more than ever right now.
Thank you for Your sovereignty and for Your love.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough.
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)
As my Father, You ask me to wait... You've made that clear. Anything I've tried to figure out on my own in my life this far, I've just screwed it up... or You've let me know that You want something different by throwing me some sort of curveball. This last one hit home. And right now, it stings. It hurts... it doesn't feel good. But, You ask me to obey You, and I guess at this point, it's all I can do. Because everything else is so unclear and I have no idea what anything means, all I can do is cling to what I know is true... and that is You,
Abba, help me to do that. Help me to trust You, and to wait on You. Help me to trust that everything will be okay, and that You've already got it covered.
As Your child, I'm gunna try to do that. I'm going to try and trust You... trust that Your going to give me guidance and clarity. But I need Your help.
I know You are good. I know You love me. I know You have not led me here alone and You will always be in the boat with me... right alongside me. You promise to never leave Your children... be with me when I am brokenhearted, and show me Your comfort. I need You more than ever right now.
Thank you for Your sovereignty and for Your love.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Let me not be put to shame...
Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much
I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. (Psalm 40:8)
Father this is my desire, to honor You... to do Your will... to follow You all the days of my life.
But I'm scared out of my mind. I don't truly know or understand what this means. You've changed what I've thought was a path... You've thwarted this path. And I don't know what to do anymore.
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame...
Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)
Abba, guard my heart... guard my heart.
Help me cling to what I know is true.
Otherwise I have nothing else.
Good and upright is the Lord...He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness... (Ps. 25:9-10)
I have no idea what You want with me, and with my life. I have no idea what You have planned, and I don't know when I'm going to learn that You are God, I am not, and I can only see a part of the picture that You are painting. But it's painful and I have nothing left. I have nothing left but to hold on to you. I need Your strength because I cannot do this on my own! Take my hand and remind me that You're there, holding on to me. Lord, can You remind me of Your love? I need You to show me. Remind me that You are always there... in the boat with me... carrying me through each storm that I trudge through.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. (Ps. 25:20-21)
Father, it is Your arms that I fall into. Hold me close, because I am quick to forget that You are there. Dry these tears, put strength back into my bones, and put the broken pieces back together - these broken pieces that You somehow intended on fitting together in the first place.
Where is the power, to give what I gave?
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much
I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. (Psalm 40:8)
Father this is my desire, to honor You... to do Your will... to follow You all the days of my life.
But I'm scared out of my mind. I don't truly know or understand what this means. You've changed what I've thought was a path... You've thwarted this path. And I don't know what to do anymore.
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame...
Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)
Abba, guard my heart... guard my heart.
Help me cling to what I know is true.
Otherwise I have nothing else.
Good and upright is the Lord...He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness... (Ps. 25:9-10)
I have no idea what You want with me, and with my life. I have no idea what You have planned, and I don't know when I'm going to learn that You are God, I am not, and I can only see a part of the picture that You are painting. But it's painful and I have nothing left. I have nothing left but to hold on to you. I need Your strength because I cannot do this on my own! Take my hand and remind me that You're there, holding on to me. Lord, can You remind me of Your love? I need You to show me. Remind me that You are always there... in the boat with me... carrying me through each storm that I trudge through.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. (Ps. 25:20-21)
Father, it is Your arms that I fall into. Hold me close, because I am quick to forget that You are there. Dry these tears, put strength back into my bones, and put the broken pieces back together - these broken pieces that You somehow intended on fitting together in the first place.
Where is the power, to give what I gave?
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Elf Yourself!!!
So, I was bored today and made this video.
I don't think I've laughed so hard in such a long time...
:):):)
I don't think I've laughed so hard in such a long time...
:):):)
Send your own ElfYourself eCards
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)