The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

Woah. I am not a good blogger :) When was the last time I did this thing? September? Sheesh... Just thought I should update this thing since next week I'll be done with my second-to-last semester of college... (My goodness.)

I feel like a lot has happened since the last time I updated. Last time, I was just moving into my dorm room, I was completely overwhelmed by all the change that was taking place, and I needed the Lord to just show me that it was all going to be okay.

Well, He's definitely done that... this year has definitely proved to be totally different than the rest. At times it's felt really uncomfortable, and I've been forced out of my comfort zone often more times than not. I've been pushed into situations in which I feel completely weak, but in those situations, He has been proven strong (after all, this is the point, right?) He's shown me that His grace is sufficient in my weakness, because His power is made perfect this way... (2 Cor. 12:9) This semester has also been a blessing, as I have met so many new people, and have been able to pour into them and share life with them and form new relationships. I love it here, and I feel so blessed to be a part of something so great in West Circle...

Right now I'm listening to the song "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" by Switchfoot, (everyone needs to get their new album by the way... in case you were wondering!!!!) and it's awesome, because I feel like it's a direct representation of what the Lord has constantly shown me in my life. I feel like in the valley, and in the midst of any type of trial, it's when He's done the most work in my life - I've just needed to be patient and have faith... its what this whole thing is all about. I've just needed to be reminded that life isn't all over when I'm in that spot that doesn't feel good... that I can't just "cop out" when I feel like giving up, because God is constantly making me into the second man - into the likeness of His Son. It's all a process, and I just need to be patient.

This week at bible study, we were looking at a passage in Acts - specifically chapter 13, where Paul and Barnabas basically go all over the place, because they are sent by the Lord to share the Good News of Jesus. Throughout this passage, there are several whose eyes are opened, and several that come to know Christ as their personal Savior.

In verses 38 and 39, Paul says this:

"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses."

We talked about justified meaning, "just as you have never sinned."

It's funny, because as I was leading a discussion this last week in life group, I felt like I learned more from the girls who came. (And, I feel like this semester, I've been learning more and more from them as the weeks have gone on...) I felt like they really understood the message Paul was portraying here in Acts... that God has looked at us completely spotless, and He has forgotten our sins (Hebrews 10:13-17). Once again, I'm reminded of how amazing Grace really is!!

I feel like I was really convicted because recently I had literally written in my journal of all of the ways that I had been failing - in friendships, in school, in carrying out the Gospel, in temptation to sin, in relationships, in ministry, in giving Him my future, etc.... and I was just sitting in it! But doing this was a sin in itself! I am justified by Christ and made clean, and I don't have to feel bad and have a pity party for myself when I screw up... His love is enough for me.

I need to remember this, and I need to trust Him and BELIEVE Him when He tells me that I am justified, and guilt-free.

Because of His Son, I'm free, and I no longer am bound by the chains of my trespasses. Praise God for this amazing gift!!

Father, I pray that you would help me to remember your truth all of the time, so that I might walk in your freedom always, with Your love radiant upon me. Thank you for this amazing gift, and thank you for constantly lifting me out of the valley, and holding on to me, even if I am on the verge of copping out. I'm so grateful for your faithfulness when I have so little faith. Your grace is pretty amazing.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galations 5:1)

Change

A few weeks ago, I moved back to East Lansing. It was a rough day, because I had to move my stuff into my room by myself, and I wasn't super excited to be moving back in the first place. I think it was just overwhelming to think that senior year was actually happening, and that things were going to be a little different this year. I've never really done well with change. Even when I was a little girl, my parents told me that I used to get upset when we did things differently than what I was used to.

As I was lugging my things up and down the stairs and was struggling and dropping things all over the place, I finally sat down on my un-made bed and started to cry. I think it was a combination of things, but this idea of change, and things being different has really never sat well with me. I know that this year, there's so much "un-known" that I don't know about, that I'm going to need to trust the Lord with. There are so many securities that I've had in the past that I can't run to anymore - again, with this whole trust thing. I know that I've never had to trust the Lord as much as I'm going to have to trust Him with this year. It's going to be a process. I think it's going to be really cool. I'm just glad He's a very patient God.

Since that first day, I'd say that it's been quite a rollercoaster of emotions. I've been excited and nervous as preparation for the year have come into play, and then when it actually began last Wednesday, I'm not sure if it actually hit me. I don't think it's actually hit me yet. There's been quite a few times when I've wished I could be fifteen again because I don't want to grow up, but then there's also been times when I've been so excited because I love West Circle, and God's already working. One of my best friends came and visited earlier in the week who'll be leaving for a year-long internship out of the country. It was so good to visit with her, but so hard with the goodbyes, and again, especially the change.

That first day I moved up to school I was walking by West Circle and had my ipod on and the song "Revelation Song" came on. I feel like God really used that song to remind me of His sovereignty. The lyrics of the chorus are:

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is, and is to come. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings. You are my Everything, and I will adore You."

I feel like God was trying to tell me that yes, the world and everything in it constantly change. This is a fact. In fact eventually all things in this world will pass away (Matt. 24:35). But, He is constant, God never changes, and His love is neverending. This hit me hard, and I was comforted, because I know that in essence through everything, the Lord is the One I can always run to and He's never changing, unlike everything else in this world. I love it. The change in my life is okay. It's good, and I'll get used to it - because it's God's plan, and people need to hear the Good News.

I'm reading Acts right now, and I'm so encouraged by the Apostles, how they consistantly perservere, that in times when the "stuff" gets in their way, they constantly find a way back to the root of why they're actually living, and what their sole purpose is/was. They were pursuers of men and women, helping to carry out the word of God and watching it all unfold. They were faithful, and relentless, and true soldiers of the Lord, knowing what it truly meant to live for the sake of the Gospel and give nothing less than to love Jesus, and love people.

I often wonder what my life would look like, or how it would look differently if I lived it in this way, and trusted Him in this way. Far too often I find myself and my mind wrapped around the "stuff" of my life. And when I think about it truly, people's lives - people's souls are just far too important and fragile for me to be thinking about myself. My life and "stuff" doesn't nearly compare or ever matter, because I already know the Truth, and so many more need to hear it. I need to be less selfish.

I want nothing less than to be used by You as Your instrument, to bring You glory, and to help spread Your word throughout the world, and throughout campus. This is my prayer.

Trust

So, I'm really bad at blogging. I used to write in here all of the time, but then I don't know what happened. I let like three months go inbetween posts. My last post was right after summer project. I feel like that happened a long time ago. What an amazing time of my life, that I will never forget...

I'm sitting here in a hotel lobby in Menominee, Michigan. I'm on vacation right now. It's my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary, and my Dad's side of the family is here - all of my grandparent's kids, their kids, and their great-grand children. It has been one of the true highlights of my summer. It's been amazing to see everyone again, after ten years. I was eleven the last time we were all together. I love my family to death, and I wish everyone lived closer together. It's going to be so hard to leave on Monday.

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, because it's all due tomorrow by midnight. I've been doing homework every day on this trip. In the grand scheme of things, I'll have taken twelve credits this summer so I can graduate by May. It's really hard to be motivated right now, especially on vacation, and I feel like I'm already getting senioritis. The more time goes on, the more I'm realizing I don't know myself, but rather, that my identity is found in Him. God has revealed that to me this summer more so than ever before in my life. So why is it that I still have such a hard time trusting? This word, trust - it's thrown around all the time, but I don't think I actually know what it means. Otherwise I still wouldn't doubt the Lord, doubt His purpose for my life, doubt that His plan is perfect, and doubt that whatever it is that He has for my life - it's going to be amazing, and far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

Ever since I changed my major in January, (to something that doesn't quite make sense) and stopped denying the fact that I don't want to be a music teacher, and really don't have a clue what's going to happen after May, my life turned upside-down. Everything in my life up until this point had been so easy... all of the steps had just been there set out in front of me. Seriously, my life was easy. This whole idea of actually relying on the Lord was foreign to me, and I thought I was actually "stepping out of the boat" by switching my major, and that God would miraculously reward me and show me what to do next by flashing neon green lights at me. Well, that's not exactly how it works, because if that were the case, well, then I think He would have told me by now. ;)

It excites me to know that He could do anything with my life in the next year. It excites me to know that in a year from now I KNOW that I will know what to do next, because God's gunna reveal that next step for me. But, how much do I really trust the Lord? Do I really trust Him at all? Am I willing to drop everything and really follow Him? What steps am I really willing to take in order to pursue after His own heart?

I know He will use anything to form it into His plan for my life, but I also know that I can't sit around and just wait anymore. It's time for me to actually start taking this whole "faith" aspect and put it into play. I need to start actually taking steps, and rely on the Lord, watching what He does. It still amazes me that the Creator of the Universe takes any interest in me at all - let alone has this relationship with me... so maybs it's about time I start trusting.

I need prayer, and I need to pray for my heart. I need to pray against lies and for protection, because I know the tendancies I do have - tendancies of timidity, and apprehension and doubt... and I don't want to lean toward those anymore or fall into any of satan's schemes.

I know God's got my back, I just need to believe in my heart that He is truly going to provide for me. I'm so glad His grace is always there for me.

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word. -2 Thesselonians 2:16

San Diego

God changed my life in ten short days. I was "supposed" to go to Africa... or so I thought, but that all changed when I felt the tug of the Lord at my heart. He revealed to me how perfect His timing really is, when He changed my life in a little city in California. I am absolutely amazed. Who knew?

A brief synopsis...

You have changed me. You have not only given me an amazing experience of a lifetime, but You have changed the way I think, You have changed my character, and You have changed my heart from the inside-out. I could feel my heart changing all week long, but I think the kicker came when those girls accepted Christ on Saturday. I could see how badly they wanted hope, and when their eyes were opened to the hope that could be found in You, it was absolutely incredible to watch. She understood that nothing else could satisfy her except for You, and Your love. And that is just such a miracle.

My heart changed that day, because I want to be able to share with those seeking hope and satisfaction in this world. I want to be able to show them about my Father's love, the love that has never stopped satisfying me, and since following Him, has never disappointed me.

Father, for the fist time in my life I think what I'm saying is that my heat and love for the lost, and the sense of urgency I feel in my heart for them is far out-weighing my fear. And I've never been able to say that before in my life until now. It's only by Your work in my heart that you've made this transformation in me. Thank you for turning my apathy into a heart that not only desires to serve You, but will go because of the urgency and love You have placed on my heart.

I trust You fully, that You will provide that next step for me, and direct my paths. You have amazing plans for me - this is true. I just need to trust You along the way, too. I think I've been looking too far ahead. Carly is right, I need to start taking steps, and You are going to guide me. By just sitting and waiting, I'm not tuly trusting, but rather, worrying about it. And You tell us "not to worry about tomorrow, because today has enough trouble of its own." You tell us "not to be anxious about anything..." because ultimately, it's all under control. You're not going to mis-guide me, and You're not going to let me stray. So, I guess I'm in pretty good hands then. Help me cling to that truth. Help me run to Your word, and run to prayer, and run to you first before anything else. You know me best, and You know everything est, so why wouldn't I? I'm excited to see what You have in store, Father for this year. When Doug was talking about all of us "being sent" last night, I couldn't help but think about MSU - West Circle. You've placed me there for a reason. I ask that you would make this fourth, final year there diffeent. Help me to truly reach out to people on my floor, and to my unbelieving friends. Jesus, you sat with the poor, and the sinners, and the tax collectors - the people that needed to hear Your truth. I pray that I, as well as those around me would share that same heart. I pray for opportunities to share the Gospel with them. Thank you for choosing us to carry this out.

Thank you for choosing me to go to San Diego. Thank you for changing my life, and for changing my heart. Thank you for showing me how perfect your timing is.

Thank you for loving me so much.

Let Your Love Be Enough

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
-Psalm 39:7

I realized how long it's been since I last wrote in here... almost four months in a couple weeks. Last time, I was in the midst of changing my major - big step of faith for me. Once I realized I had such a tight grip on my future and wasn't giving God the reigns, I knew I needed to let go and give Him full control. I knew music ed. wasn't it for me. I've known this for a long time, but just wasn't willing to step out of the boat, because I knew it would lead to the 'unknown' part of my life...

And so fast-forward to now. I'm sitting here at 1 in the morning and I can't shut my mind off. I should totally be asleep. It's already been one heck of a week, and I'm absolutely overwhelmed with everything going on around me.

Yesterday I bawled my eyes out in my car. I wore sunglasses in the store to cover my face up. And then on my way back to my dorm, I cried a lot again. I usually never cry. I find myself quite overwhelmed with everything right now. School is really difficult right now, and I'm struggling. I can't go to class when the migraines get really painful, and they've been really persistent lately. Really amazing friends are graduating, and I'm finding it really hard to grasp how things will be next year. Zambia didn't work out for this summer, and it's looking like summer projects are full now. I'm believing lies - lies that God can't use me because I have migraines. Why is it that when life seems so hard to handle, do I let it remain that way in my head, and I let myself forget who's in contol?

I need to focus on the simple truths that I know of God... that He loves me, that He's sovereign above everything that I could possibly imagine, that He looks at me and sees me as His spotless lamb, because He has washed away all of my sin - all of this crap that I keep carrying around. He really has incredible Grace for me. I keep forgetting that.

I think if anything this semester, God's definitely been teaching me how to wait and trust Him. I've never really had to rely on Him for absolutely everything in my life. Well, now I do. As I sit here - futureless without Him, graduating from college in a year with no next step in mind, going home again this summer (not the original plan...), and with the migraines as persistent as ever, I know that I absolutely need my Father more than ever. He's the only one who'll provide discernment for my next steps, and I know that He's the only one who'll provide me comfort when I need it, while I'm sitting here waiting. I just need to remember that always, because I'm so quick to forget.

Father I need you. I need Your love to cover my brokenness.

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the Boat

It's all starting tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, and at this point everytime I think about how much I don't have any clue as to what is going on in my life anymore, the more anxious I become. What happened to all the plans? What happened to the simplicity of getting a degree and finishing school? Obviously God's got another plan. I guess what I'm learning is that even when I do have something in mind, God has something in mind too, and that isn't always in alignment with what I might want or think is right. And, either He's making it absolutely clear to me now that He wants me to do something different, or He's seeing if I'll put my trust in Him. Maybe He's seeing if I'll actually have a little initiative... a little bit of faith like Peter did, and test those waters and step foot out of the boat, and trust that my Savior is going to catch me and cover me. A good friend recommended that I read a book called, If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the Boat. At the point of life I'm at right now, I thought it might be interesting.

There's a part that struck me. In Mark's version of the story of Peter, it says that Jesus "meant to pass by them." (Mark 6:48) In this book, the author points out that "to pass by" is used in the Greek Translation of the Old Testament, and this is what it means: Defining moments when God made "striking and temporary appearances in the earthly realm to a select individual or group for the purpose of communicating a message."

"'God put Moses in a cleft in a rock so Moese could see 'while my glory passes by.' ...The Lord passed before him."
God told Elijah to stand on the mountain "for the Lord is about to pass by."
There is a pattern to these stories. In each case God had to get people's attention - through a burning bush, or wind and fire, or walking on the water. With each person God was going to call them to do something extraordinary. In each situation the person that God called felt afraid. But every time that people said "yes" to their calling, they experienced the power of God in their lives."

Right now, I'm afraid for what is to come. I'm not really sure what God's doing, and it doesn't feel good in the least bit. I think that one thing I'm learning right now is that when I'm in the valley, it's when God's doing the most work. When I'm humbled, it's when God can do the most work - and He's going to follow through and eventually show me what's going on. I just have to wait, and keep clinging to what I know is true about Him.


Father, my prayer in all of this is that you protect my heart and make it joyful to glorifly you. In the midst of it all, make me joyful and overflow with happyness so that the love of Christ shines through me, so that others can see you. That is what you call us to do. Paul did it. You sent your son, and HE did it... the greatest gift of all... and now I am here for that reason, to share that goodness - in sickness... in health... in suffering... in pain... in mountaintops, and in valleys. Lord, you are my hiding place. You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Ps. 32:7) Fix my eyes on you.

This is what your word says...

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
(Isaiah 43:19)

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
(Psalm 25:1-5)

Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
(Psalm 25:20-21)

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
(Psalm 39:7)

So Father, help me believe it all... to forget the lies and believe the truth, and to trust that you are with me. This is my prayer. My hope is in You.

Back to the land of Green and White

So today's it... in a couple hours I'm heading back to school to start another semester - my sixth semester at MSU... where things are complicated, and I have no idea where my path is leading. I've enjoyed these last four weeks of rest and carefree living. I guess life can't be put on hold forever...
I'm scared out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect at all. All of the things I have to do - people I have to talk to, and different options I now have to weigh and make decisions on... I have no desire to do any of it. Part of me wants to run. I know He has a plan in the midst of it all, but that doesn't make any of this feel any better or any less scarier. I'm twenty-one years old and my world has been turned upside-down. MOst people know at least what they're going to get their degree in by now. Without the faintest idea, because of constant roadblocks, it's just so discouraging. And the biggest question is, how am I going to bring my Father glory in the midst of all of this? I need to. I'm called to do it. He is worthy of it. I need to pray for it.

Abba, I just need you to fill me in with all of this, somehow. I know you will, but please, do it quickly because I seriously feel like I'm drowning in it all. Help me not to freak out... Right now I'm freaking out. You know how scared to death I am of this, and you know how much I've been trying to avoid even the slightest thoughts of any of this. Keep me in your arms. I don't want to do this, but I know that I have to. Keep me safe... "Let me not be put to shame." (Ps. 25)
Keep showing me that your love is enough.
My hope is in you.

I am BLESSED

Last night I spent two and a half hours writing in my journal of ways that I am blessed. There are many, and so I thought I'd share, because the Lord is good, and He never fails to show this...


*I have a healthy, loving family

*My parents are christians, they raised me this way, and even though I didn't quite grasp it till later, I still heard about Jesus, knew that He loved me somehow, and I grew up going to church every Sunday

*I go to college - a university, and I stand in the 1-percentile of college-aged students in the world who actually get this opportunity.

*I am part of a wonderful organization in Cru... where I have never quite experienced fellowship like this before - whos mission is to truly "go forth" and share Jesus with those around us, whether that be on campus, in our homes, in our communities, in our classes, at work, around the United States, and around the world - wherever that may be.

*I am absolutely blessed to live in West Circle - to have the sisters I do, to be able to experience the Body of Christ in the way that I am able to - it has been incredible. I am truly blessed.

*Life Group - growing in Christ as a small group of girls

*Discipleship - Learning more how to share faith, learning what it means to love and pour into others

*Worship Team - Learning what it truly means to help lead people into the presence of God... we're not "just musicians," but used as God's instruments/His tools...
*Having the opportunity to learn what it means to truly worship Him while being on the worship team, learning to completely surrender and not think of playing worship music as a perfect "performance," but rather - a song of praise to the Father, who deserves all praise and is worthy of all praise.

*Christmas Conferene - Having the opportunity to go and hear the different speakers and listening to the different things God was saying through them; getting the opportunity to share the Gospel for the first time; getting the opportunity to go into Indianapolis and share Christ's love with the people that lived there - the people that so desperately need to hear His voice and know that there is Hope; being able to meet with God at a time in m life where I feel very lost and confused with what I should do with it... being surrounded by my closest friends and sisters, and being able to worship our Father with 2,500 others around Michigan, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois - so amazing!

*Having the Hope of Jesus Christ in my life. Knowing that despite my insufficiencies, and in spite of all of my fears and failures and all my sins, He's always going to love me. Knowing that I'm going to always fall short in everything I do, but it's okay because Jesus fills up those gaps that I leave empty. Knowing that right now, I have absolutely no idea what He is doing in my life, or with my life. But all I can do right now is wait, and with His Hope, just know and expect that whatever it is, it's going to be awesome, and it's going to be just right... becuase it's going to be what He wants for my life. Whatever He's got planned, it will all make sense one day, and my heart will be in the right place - just as my Creator... my God created it to be.


Abba, help me not to forget that I am so blessed! You have given me so much, including the greatest gift, which is your son... the gift of everlasting life. What greater gift of love than this? And now, you as me to wait. Help me to be patient. Help me to hold on to your simple truths - You've got this all under control - You're in the boat with me - You're not gunna leave my side - You love me - You're God and I can't possibly understand everything You do - You love me... Your love is everlasting.

*So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the theings that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)