Times are achangin'

Last night was my last night working at the movie theater. I also got accused of being "racist" by a sixteen year old girl, because I wouldn't give her the children's discount... which entails that person being eleven years old or younger. She preceeded to tell her friend that she was going to go over to the other box office to buy a ticket. When her friend asked her why, the girl responded, "because the person over there is black." I felt belittled. I was really upset afterward and couldn't shake that feeling. I'm not racist at all. It bothers me that there are still those connotations and stereotypes about either race, and I wish it would just go away. I'm glad it was my last night. Things like that are what made that job miserable, and I'm glad to be done. What I am going to miss are the few good relationships that I had with some people. I feel like with a couple of the girls I worked with, some good conversations were starting to happen. But now I'm not going to be there anymore. The Lord's timing is perfect, and people are brought into our lives at a specific time, for a specific reason and for a purpose. The hard part is when they leave. That's the part I struggle with. I love when God places people there for me - when God reveals His love to me through them, and when God places them there to love me, and to show me things, according to His purpose. I just want them to be there forever. I don't really like change all that much. I've always struggled with it, and I've always had a really hard time with it. Thank God for Heaven. It's something to look forward to.

I think I need to be a teacher. Someone told me when I was amidst barrier juries in the spring, that no matter what the outcome of everything, nothing is going to stop God's plan for me to be carried out. I guess this is comforting because I know that I can't screw it up. So in realizing this, I've decided that I'm pretty sure teaching is what I need to do. I've been trying to find excuses and reasons not to, and I've been running. But it's just in me. I want to impact students' lives. I want to share the love of Christ with them. I want to be like how so many teachers were to me. Teachers who cared, and teachers who loved their students. For a while the passion was gone, and I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to get it back. But I'm sure this time. This summer has been good in that I have been able to see that God's plan for me is to teach. I know that I'm still going to have doubts and apprehensions and conflicts, but I know that I need to stop running and face everything I have in front of me, so I can finish this degree and get through to what God has me on this earth to do.

I have been struggling a lot this summer. I can't believe it's already halfway over. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I can't wait to get back to MSU and see everyone, however I really do like having the nice warm weather, and no class. It's actually kind of nice. But I have been struggling. I've been really struggling in my personal relationship with God. I didn't think that I would ever come close to how everything was before. Last year was a time of searching, and last summer was a time that I was able to re-discover God, but in a new way, so that I had full confidence of Him, and His love, and His sovereignty. This last school year was a substantial time of growth, and a substantial time of community amongst all my sisters and brothers. Never once before had I experienced anything like this before. But this summer is different. Even though I have obtained a picture of who God is, and I have learned so much and crossed an incredible journey of emotion, doubt, and love, I stand here today, and I'm still struggling. Some are things I've been struggling with for a long time. Familiar doubts have been re-instilled into my mind and heart, and I can't seem to shake them. I have been believing all kinds of lies that I know aren't true, but I have not been in the word enough to put on the full armor of God to protect myself. And ultimately, I have been letting the father of lies keep me silent - in making me believe that I am insignificant. He makes me think that I am the only one that struggles with these things, and that the things I struggle with are not things that I should be, if I was a child of God. He even puts it into my head that I cannot be a Christian if I am still struggling with the "old" ways - still having a hard time with things that I did years ago.

I know that God is never changing, and He just waits there till His lost sheep return home, ready to welcome me back in. But how do I do this? After a summer of sin, and frustration, and being deceived, how do I turn this around and start believing the truth, when I am so frustrated already?

Lord this is the cry of my heart - that you would help me. That you would save me. Take my frustration, take my struggle, take my insufficiencies, take my pain, and take my sin. Take it all away.