Who I am hates who I've been

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I can't let myself fall back. If something doesn't change, this is going to be one long summer. I'm really worried I'm going to run out of money. It's really tight. And now my manager only scheduled me for one shift next week. I'm not getting very many shifts anymore, and no one else is hiring right now. And I try to not let myself keep thinking this... but I can only think about what it could've been if I would have gone to Virginia Beach. I've really been trying to have the best outlook on this summer, but I'm tired. I'm sad. I don't see a purpose at all. I'm not the shining Light of Christ like I should be to those around me. The headaches aren't any better. I'm frustrated with everything. And I'm trying not to let him keep me silent. I'm trying to live out the message I gave in my testimony last night - to not let the father of lies keep me silent. But sometimes he kicks me down so far that it's hard to get back up. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm broken. I just want this summer to be over with.

Testimony

I'm giving my testimony tonight. I'm excited, but I'm a little bit nervous. Up until recently I haven't been able to bring myself to really talk about my story. I haven't ever told it to more than one person at a time. I know that they're not my words... they're His. He's the one that wrote my story, and I'm just delivering the message. I'm just the proof of what God is capable of doing... of bringing someone so far down the wrong path - someone so depressed and lost, and then showing me the Light. Showing me that there are people who care, showing me the body of Christ as a way of relishing His love on me and making it plainly evident... showing me that He is real, and there, and wanting to purue me and love me as His very own child...

I'm hoping that the nerves won't get the best of me, and that I will be able to completely rely on God for this one so that the words aren't my own. I hope I won't cry in front of them. I don't want to. I haven't been this vulnerable in a long time.

Jesus come

It's incredible sometimes at how low it can get... how low I feel because of the pain in my head. I feel helpless. I know I'm not without help. I know He's there. But it's how I feel. It's hard to see that one day I will be raised up on eagles wings, and all of this pain will be taken away. It's hard to remember that one day, all my tears will be whiped away by His hand. It's hard to even grasp eternity when all I can think about is the horrible pain that hinders me from thinking straight.

It's one of those nights.

Surrender

I'm having a hard time trusting Him with this one. The doctor said I needed to come in so that he could discuss the blood test results with me from last week. That's weird, because before, they were able to let me know over the phone that everything came back normal. So maybe things didn't come back normal this time... I don't know, I'm nervous.

I guess all I can do is not worry, because that's the only thing I do have control over - the choice to trust or not. It's just so hard. It's so hard to completely surrender everything to Him - especially when things get hard. The medication isn't working, so I'm still in pain.

I find myself falling short. It's so hard to let it all go.

Prayer

Lord, I come to you with a lot on my heart this morning. Father, on Sunday, you made it really clear to me that you may want me in Africa or maybe even Asia next summer. Prior to this year, I don't know if I would have been able to say this, but I am really excited at the idea and opportunity. Lord, in these upcoming months, help make it clear to me what you'd like me to do. I'm willing to follow, and I'm willing to serve you. The sermon on Sunday and those missionaries at church really spoke into my heart. I think that deep down, I may be a little bit afraid. So Lord, turn what might be doubt or fear in my heart, to encouragement and excitement for whatever you've got planned. I know the Word says that you have a good, pleasing, and perfect plan for me. Looking back at the way you've changed my life this past year, I believe in that promise. So Lord, help me to be able to persevere, even when it's hard.

Lord, the other things on my heart are the questions in my heart that I have about you. I don't think I've honestly ever presented these things to you, so please forgive me. Father, help me to understand the point and meaning of prayer. I understand that you want a relationship with me, and even that can be hard to accept sometimes. But God, I have a hard time grasping what the power of prayer is, and what it does if you already have planned everything what is going to happen. We can't change things ourselves and only you can. Please help me to understand. Father, something else I've been struggling with is something I think I've always struggled with. Lord, what is the purpose of everything? Why did you create me, as well as the rest of this world? Why would you create us for you when you are Great enough already? Sometimes I have anger in my heart Lord, because I feel resentment toward you. I feel that it is selfish of you to create everything so that you can have and receive glory. Lord, I'm only being honest with what's been on my heart. So please forgive me. I know you know me already, and know that these things have been bugging me, and I've had a hard time with them. I know you've wanted me to present these things to you. So God, here it is... help me to understand, or have a peace about not understanding - whatever is according to your will. I know that one day, I won't have these doubts and questions anymmore. One day, I'll be able to live in heaven with you. But for now, I need you to comfort me and tell me that it's okay. Sometimes I even question my salvation and your promise that I am written in the book of Life. Sometimes I even question you, and if this is all real. So Father, I need you to strengthen me, and let no doubt enter into my mind that I am forever saved, and you are forever true. Help re-instate that confidence to me when I am not confident, so that I can share you and your Truth with those around me. Help me to rely on you and your word this summer. Teach me what it means to use your word as my daily bread. I know that by reading your word, maybe some of these questions will clear up. I know that through it, I will draw closer to you and come to know you more. That is my lifelong goal, to become more and more like you ever single day. Lord, help me to achieve this goal.

Father, I ask also that you would cure my aching heart. I miss MSU and the community there so much. I find myself missing things there quite a bit. I know that you have made MSU feel like home for me, because last summer I asked you to help me have a better year this year. The first year was hard, and you did far more than just turn it around. You completely changed everything and made it so good. Those girls are my sisters, and with each one I know I can go to for anything. But Father, help me to not become sad and my longing for west circle to get me down. Help me to truly enjoy this summer. I know that you have something planned for me, even though I can't see it right now. Help me to wait patiently, Lord. Help my longing heart to have rest as I wait on you. Comfort me in the lonely times. Strengthen me when I am weak. Help me to boast about my sufferings when I am weak, so that I can be strong.

Abba, I need you, and my heart longs for you. As your child, make me whole. Draw me close to you as I search and find rest in your name. Show me your love and give me the warmth of your comfort. Lord, help me to be strong. I need you more than anything.

Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations...

On Sunday my pastor spoke out of Acts 9:1-16

This is when God spoke to Saul and turned his world upside down by calling him to stop doing what he was doing (persecuting the church) and to come follow him. To make a long story short, "Saul" became Paul, and completely transformed his life and began to follow God. As I kept reading in Acts, this is what got me...

vs. 20: "At once, he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the son of God."

Paul started following God and suffering for Him right away. This is amazing to me... someone who completely persecuted the church and hated Christ and was completely against Christianity... someone "brand new" at being a Christian immediately picked up his cross and followed Jesus. He changed history by doing what the Lord asked him to do, by speaking to many different people - sharing with Christ with them in ways that changed their lives. And here I am - I don't know how long I've been a Christian exactly, but I've known about Christ for my entire life. And, this was just really encouraging to hear. I've always played it safe, and I've always been skeptical about sharing my faith. I get scared, have cold feet - what-have-you... but something my pastor said struck me.

He said, "Are you going to forsake the blessing and reward of God because the pain might be too much?" This really challenged me. Something's been on my heart lately. And, I think God's been shaping my heart for Africa or Asia. I know they're completely two different cultures. But I've always been interested in them. When Virginia Beach didn't work out for this summer, I still knew that God had a plan. As frustrated as I was, and still am sometimes about not going, I know that God has other things in store. I know God still wants me to go on Project but He wants me to wait, and now I know why. Lately I've been seeing small signs from God - but they've made me excited. At church on Sunday, we had two missionaries speak that are doing work over in central Asia. I was so intrigued to hear the wife's story, and how she came to know Christ. The last song we sang in church is called "He Reigns" by the Newsboys.

The very first verse of the song is:

It’s the song of the redeemed, Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven, Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers, Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

I just found this funny... God's definitely got a sense of humor. After church, I randomly came across a youtube video, and to me it was fascinating. One day I do truly want to go on a summer project. The video talks about how people of different countries who have never heard of Christ absolutely catch on fire for Christ once they hear of Him. Once they find Him, they see Him as a treasure, and they want to tell everyone about Him. I am encouraged by this.

God is awesome.

Waiting

My head is still in a lot of pain. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and he gave me medicine, but it hasn't really been working yet. Something tells me that it's going to be a long process before this all gets figured out. I'm trying to trust that God'll take care of it, but it's hard. I thought that maybe moving home and being taken out of the stressful school/music environment would help. So far it hasn't, so I guess I'm just waiting on this one.

I'm tired of sitting at home. There's not much to do, and I'm getting a little stir crazy.

It's been a long week. My head still hurts. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, and they drew a bunch of blood to do tests. He doesn't really know what's wrong.... says it could be genetic, but he doesn't really know. So for now he has me on some sort of medication that I can't pronounce. I guess I'm supposed to take this stuff every day. It's supposed to lessen the pain. My head hurts right now, and I had a migraine last night... so we'll see.


I'm sitting here right now, kind of like I have been all week. I haven't really done much, or gotten much accomplished. I've been slowly unpacking all of my things, but even that isn't completely done yet. I'm really hoping the rest of the summer isn't going to go like this. I'm really going stir crazy. I go back to work later this afternoon... I'm going back to my old job because no one's hiring right now. I'm probably going to be making minimum wage, but I guess it's better than nothing. I really need to have a change of heart about this summer. I just don't see a point to it right now.


I need to learn what it means to be part of a family again. I need to be more patient. I need to be more loving. Questions and doubts are flooding my mind again, and they couldn't have come at a worse time... satan knows me really well, and it's scary. I think I need a date with Jesus.

I don't feel like there was really a point to this entry. But maybe it's good that I'm writing this down. Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be able to look back at these and laugh.

I know the Lord is good. I know He is who He says He is. But sometimes I feel stuck. I feel stagnant, and I don't like it.

I'm frustrated.

Blue Like Jazz & bomb threats

I'm home from MSU for the summer. So far I've been enjoying getting caught up on sleep, and I've been slowly unpacking all my things, which is quite a large project in itself. It's quite the adjustment... to go from a completely full schedule to a schedule that doesn't entail much. My days are pretty empty, and so I've been able to sit back and watch the things going on in my household. All my siblings have their own routine. Steph's wrapping up all her senior stuff, preparing her speach for graduation and doing AP testing. Andrew just finished drumline, and he's getting ready to start the new season. He's enjoying his video games a lot. Katie just made the varsity pom team for next year, and she's finishing up middle school, and starting a new chapter in her life very soon. Everyone's so busy and has their own schedules... it's amusing to watch sometimes. I'm thankful I have Mickey here. I think he missed me a lot. All he's been doing is following me around these last four days or so. He won't leave my side.

In the last two days between the middle school and the high school, there have been bomb threats at each school. This just isn't normal. We live in Farmington Hills suburbia. Things like this don't just happen every day. In all my years in school here, we've never had a bomb threat.

And it hit me. It hit me that this is just a small example of what the world is like. It doesn't matter if the threats were a joke, or if the threats were serious. They were still threats. And the kids who made the threats are like the rest of the world... it's acceptable, or okay to do these kinds of things... to make threats - threats that affect lives. The fact of the matter is that this world is broken. The human race is broken. It's been broken for over 2,000 years. It's always been broken, and it always will be broken. This world needs Jesus. This world needs to know that there is someone who can fix all of these things, if they would just open up their eyes and allow Him to love them. We need to do something about it. It breaks my heart that people - kids think it's okay to go about making threats like this... treating the lives of those around them as if they didn't matter.

It was like a bacteria or a cancer or a trance. It wasn't on the skin; it was in the soul. It showed itself in loneliness, lust, anger, jealously, and depression. It had people screwed up bad everywhere you went--at the store, at home, at church; it was ugly and deep. Lots of singers on the radio were singing about it, and cops had jobs because of it. It was as if we were broken, I thought, as if we were never supposed to feel these sticky emotions. It was as if we were cracked, couldn't love right, couldn't feel good things for very long without screwing it all up. We were like gasoline engines running on diesel. From a very early age our souls are taught there is a comfort and a dscomfort in the world, a good and bad if you will, a lovely and frightening.There seemed to me to be too much frightening, and I don't know why it existed.
-Donald Miller; Blue Like Jazz

It's our duty to make a difference. We need to reach the lost. We need to do our Father's work. We need to let our Loving Father work through us to reach the broken. Let's get the job done.

All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Matthew 28:18-20

Summer is here

So I'm home now. I guess I don't really know what to feel right now. It finally hit me that the year's over and summer is here. I kind of wish it were warmer outside, and the temperature was as warm as it looks outside right now.

I didn't make it home on Friday. It took me forever to pack everything up, and I barely made it out of there before 8 - which is when the deadline to get out of the dors was. Talk about last minute...

I don't think I've cried as hard as I did on Friday in a really long time. I had a headache all day. As I was getting on the freeway to come home, shooting pains went through my head, and I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I wept for my head and migraines in frustration. I was a mess. I cried in my apprehension to go home this summer, instead of going to Virginia Beach. I cried because I'm leaving the place that I've established as home - the place that has helped grow me and make me part of who I am today instead of who I was a year ago. It was a long cry.

So I got home yesterday morning. I didn't do really much of anything all day. My head still hurt a lot. I was also tired, and probably slightly sad. Hopefully that wasn't a sign of what this summer is going to be like.

I need to get a job. I need to be busy, because I already feel so restless. I feel like I could be in Berlin, or Virginia Beach, or anywhere else right now doing so much more than just sitting here. Who knows how this summer will pan out. All I know right now, is that I have very little faith of how it'll be. And this isn't glorifying to God at all.

Abba Father, I need you to change my heart.

packing up

I'm sitting here in my room... it's so weird. I've been packing it up all day. I needed to take a breather.

Last night was fun. It was a nice conclusion to the year. Ice cream was fun, and hanging out in my room afterwards... and then Ihop. That was... interesting at 2 in the morning, but fun nonetheless. It was a good time of forgetting about everything, and just fooling around, and enjoying each other's company. I love times like that.

Now, everyone's pretty much gone. It's pouring rain outside, my car is at beaners and I need to go get it soon so I can pack it up and then drive home. I'm here packing, and it's not going so well. I hate doing this. I hate having to move everything. I just want to stay, and be content, like I've been all year. I don't want to go home. And I didn't want to say goodbye to people and I don't want to leave here for the summer. I don't see what this summer has in store. I don't see it at all. I hope I don't end up doing what I know I'm capabale of doing... by sitting and not growing. By being content with not growing at home, like I've done my entire life. I'm afraid. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be faced with the challenge that I know I'm going to be faced with, starting tonight when I roll into Farmington Hills. This is the first time I'll be at home, where I've been walking with the Lord. And now, it'll be a challenge to actually continue walking with him - it'll be hard to not get into the old habits. I don't want to face this challenge.



Lord, I feel really helpless right now. I don't want to do this. Help me to know that you're here with me right now, because I feel really, really alone.