broken

It's 1 am... on a Monday night. I am so restless right now, and I should be in bed asleep, because I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. But I'm not, and instead I'm sitting here over-analyzing and pondering things, like I'm so good at doing.

Watching The Passion last night was numbing. When I watched it four years ago, it was meaningless to me. I didn't really get it. In fact, this is the first Easter in my entire life that I am confident of who God is, and I think it's the first Easter for me as a christian. So it's a lot more meaningful to have Christ's blood and God's grace and to be given these gifts, and then to be able to see this gift given in pain and suffering - but in love through the movie tonight. Some of those scenes are so hard to watch... but my favorite part of the entire thing is when Jesus raises Himself from the dead, and then His perfect shining face is shown along with His gentle eyes. It's exactly how I picture Jesus.

At Riverview on Saturday night, I really enjoyed the sermon. We've been studying Solomon and his life. We also talked about the places to find meaning, and where the wrong places are to search for this. One of the things that was mentioned was angst with God. It's so funny, because this is what I've been struggling with. Whenever I have a problem with God, or I'm a little frustrated with Him, I lose the willingness to pursue Him and just have faith. I stumble, and I stray off the path that keeps my life straight. I've really been struggling lately. With my constant headaches, and then also with things in my life. I feel like things aren't quite right, and I'm not quite right with God. Sometimes I look back at some of the things I was struggling with a year ago, and though those things might be in the past and my scars are no longer wounds, they still burn. How come the truth sometimes feels like it's not enough? And, why is it that I still struggle with questions and doubts even though I know that I'll never know the answers to everything? I know God is just, and I know our minds can't possibly comprehend everything about God, because He is so great. But I still struggle with these things. Sometimes these things hold me back from worshipping, or even being able to pray, and fully see God. I know that this is Satan at work trying to get in between my ears and lead me back down the path of darkness, and I need to ignore him. But when I feel so defeated, I let him torture me, and do what he wants to me. I know that God gave me absolutely as much as I could have possibly handled last year, and then he put his arm into the pit I was in, and reached out to hold me and bring me back. And, I know God'll never let me go that far again, because I can't handle any more than that. But sometimes I let these questions dictate my feelings toward God. And I know that this isn't right, and I need to just trust that everything is going to be okay.

I wish I had the faith that Job did. How he was tested - to the very brink of his faith, yet he was still able to say at the end of the day, "blessed be the name of the Lord." He obeyed everything, and still trusted in the truth - that God is good, sovereign, and loving, and in control of all things.

The day I can fully come to grips with this is the day I think that things will change.
For now, I am just a college student with feelings of uneasyness, inadequacy and frustration. I know who God is. I love Him, and for the first time this year I do have a relationship with my Father. But in the times I get discouraged, and I feel so defeated - sometimes, as much as I am ashamed to admit - I wonder if this is all worth it. I know I need to cling to truth in times of struggle, but when I'm so far down and when the father of lies has kicked me time and time again, I don't feel like I can fight back anymore.

Father, Rescue me, and take me up on the mountain top with wings like eagles, and surround me with Your warmth and love. I am so broken and I need you.