truth

Saturday night was good, but really convicting. At church, I started to get a headache, and during worship, the questions started to overwhelm me and take over my thoughts. For my entire life, this is what has always happened in worship. It's always been really hard to let go, and to truly worship God. I long for that peace - to be able to do that, whith nothing but holy and pure thoughts in my mind. But I could not get myself to that point, and after feeling (and letting myself feel) defeated, I gave up. This is what often happens - I let Satan get to me, and I let him conquer my thoughts and feelings. This is my greatest struggle... clinging to Hope and Truth in times of struggle. (Being still before God is also a struggle, and I think it goes hand in hand with clinging to Truth). I let my feelings overtake my mental capacity - feelings of hopelessness and lonelyness, and pain when my head hurts - when instead, I should be looking to Truth the most during these times. Why is it then, that when I need the truth of God to protect me most (when I need that to overtake my thoughts and mind), that I don't seek it? I don't seek after God, and I allow myself to fall. This has to change. I need to wear the armor of God, like it says in Ephesians 6:

vs. 10-17:

[Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests...]

In looking at this passage, and in listening to what a good friend was telling me Saturday night, I know that I always need to be surrounding myself in Truth. I need to keep seeking after Him in times of trial. And I need to not give up in times of trial. And, my prayer to Him needs to be (as much as this would be absolutely wonderful...) not to take away all questions and doubts in my life, but rather - to ask Him to guard my heart when I'm not in the right state of mind, and when I am doubting Him. Without trial and conflict, everything would be perfect. And if everything were perfect, then we wouldn't need God. And I think God wants me to struggle with these things, and faced with them because He wants me to rely on Him. The trouble is, these days I find myself more in question than I do in faith. Hopefully I'll have a change of heart soon...

So I guess I need to pray, always seeking God, especially when I'm doubting Him. I need Him to help me, and pull me through this mess. I hate the uneasyness of it all.

Lord, help me. I know You are there. I know You are true to your promises and I know that you do not leave your children alone. But Lord, I need you to help me see that. I'm not always in the right state of mind, andw when I'm not, I need you to remind me that you're there. I need You to show me that you love me, and that everything is going to be okay. I need you to change my heart, and make it more like yours. In times of doubt, and especially in worship and prayer, give me the strength to be able to come to you, even if I feeel like I can't. Because your word says that when I seek you with all my heart, I will find you, and I know wthat's exactly what Satan doesn't want me to do. So Lord, with your armor, help me fight this battle. I put my complete trust in You. Change my heart, and renew my mind. Save me from this empty pit, and reveal yourself to me.