love story

I was going back through some old emails in my inbox from last year, because my msu email account is almost full. I came across an email. It was written in January of 2007 - probably one of the most depressing months of my life. At the time, I was doubting God - His existance - His everything. I didn't know what to believe, because everything I thought I knew and grew up with was a lie. I was the most lost I've ever been in my entire life, and honestly - it was probably the hardest time I've ever had to go through. This email was to my high school youth pastor. At the time, he was the only one who knew about any of this. This is just a portion of the email, but it shows just how lost I was...

Why do we praise God in the first place? I know that He created us, because He wanted to love us and have us live with Him for all of eternity. Maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture and the reasoning behind it.
The other question/questions I have, are ones that have to do with my doubt and lack of belief. To you, do you think that I sound like someone on the verge of atheism? I know you've had a lot of experience, talking to different people, and helping a lot of different people - so I thought I would ask you. Do you really think there is any hope for me turning around and going back God? I ask this, because I've heard the phrase that "God chooses his people." This got me thinking: Well, what if I'm just not meant to believe this whole thing? What if it's not in God's plan for me to ever understand, and truly come to know Him? This is what scares me most, and makes me feel like there is no hope. And because I have been struggling with this for so long, sometimes I truly believe that I'm never going to submit myself to the virtues of christianity and simply, have faith.
I honestly don't know what's holding me back anymore, and why I won't just believe and completely dedicate my life and have faith. I want to trust and obey, and believe, but I feel as if I'm being pulled back - almost blinded from what I feel should be right, and blinded from everything I've grown up with and everything I've always known. I really want to get past this, but I don't know if I ever will. Right now, it seems a little bit hopeless, especially with the ways that I've been thinking.
I just feel like everything is so confusing right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm ever going to get through this, and fully understand what I thought I once did. I also am struggling with prayer. I feel like I can't pray, when pray is faith-based, and I don't have the faith to begin with. There is so much right now, going on with my life that I would like to get help with (talk to God for answers), but if I don't truly believe then I don't see the point. I feel like I'm kinda stuck, and can't pray (because I don't have the faith or trust) to get the answers I need to overcome this trial I'm currently going throgh.
I understand if you don't have time right now to answer these questions. I really feel like it's a hopeless cause right now...I'm not quite sure.
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When I read this, I am overcome with emotion...absolutely overcome. Not only did my God rescue me from this mess, but He has delivered me into everlasting life, and has been at constant work in my life. I am His child, and I don't deserve it. I didn't deserve to be rescued because of the sin seeping from me. But God is full of grace, and all that sin He was carrying on His shoulders when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane, and then all of the sin He carried up on His shoulders as He lay there dying for everyone's sin for the rest of time...and then there was my sin too, and my doubt and lack of belief - my lack of faith, and my lack of His existence. It was all washed away. 2,000 years ago it was washed away. That's what He did for me.

Right now the song, "My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin just came on my computer. Couldn't have been more perfect...

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
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When I look at how the Lord has worked in my life in just a short year, I am confident that He can do anything. He is sovereign and in control of all things. We shouldn't fear anything.

There is no fear in love.