hope

I'm really trying to rely more on God. I'm trying to trust Him, because I'm so tired of feeling so defeated. Recently my friends have been pointing me to the Word and to God. It's been really good for me to hear, even though sometimes, I don't want to hear it. I feel so defeated, that I don't care for anything. I don't care to hear Truth, and I don't care to seek God. And it's in these times that I'm so thankful for the Body of Christ. We aren't called to do this thing alone, and I just thank God for that. We don't have to wander through things alone. We can ask each other to be accountable for one another, always seeking after Him. And when I'm being pointed to Truth all the time, eventually God's going to use that, and then I'll be able to do it on my own.

I'm really tired right now. I haven't felt this tired in a while. I don't think I've gotten more than eight hours of sleep total this week. It's crazy how fast the homework and life can pile up. So far I haven't lost it yet, which is good. I think it's by the grace of God that I'm doing okay. Sometimes I do wonder in the morning how I'm going to get through the day. Actually I do know for sure - it is by the Grace of God that everything turns out okay in the end.

I've been having a hard time with something lately, and I've been trying not to think about it all semester. But since the end of the school year is drawing near, I can't help it. A few of my good friends are graduating in a few weeks, and I can't help but be a little bit sad. I'm glad that at least we're sisters in Christ. So it's comforting to know that we'll forever be friends, and one day we'll be living in eternity together...forever. But for now, I do become a little uneasy at the idea of not seeing them, and living different lives. I'm afraid of change, I guess. I've never liked it. Sometimes I get really frustrated that last year, I didn't know anyone that I do now. It's awesome that this year, so many things have changed, and so many things have gotten better, and I love MSU now. But sometimes I wish I would have met everyone last year, shared the same memories, and become close with people - only to strengthen those relationships this year. Sometimes I do wish that I would have not rejected God completely last year, and that I wouldn't have been so closed up. But then in reality, I wouldn't take that experience back, because without it, I wouldn't have struggled. And without struggle, everything would be perfect. And if everything were perfect, then what would the point of God be? I know that sometimes now, I wish God would take all of this doubt and pain and uneasyness from me. I don't like it, and I don't like having to deal with it. I guess I can take comfort though, in the truth that God's using the struggle and the pain so I can lean on Him, and so He can mold me and make me into the woman of God that He intends for me to be. And in doing this, I can draw closer to Him. That's what a walk with God means. The more you grow closer to Him, the more like Jesus you become. No - we'll never be perfect, but even resembling just a small part of Him is far greater than anything else.

I can't believe there's only three and a half weeks of school left. It's really crazy to think that in a few weeks, I'll be a junior - an upperclassman in college. That's crazy. What's also crazy, is I feel like I'm back to square one in terms of figuring out what I want to do with my life. Things have gotten so discouraging on the music ed. end of things, that I'm not sure if it's what I want to do anymore. It's hard, because music is all I've ever done with my life, and I haven't gotten the chance to get out there and experience other things. So I feel pretty inadequate to do anything else at this point. It's hard too... because so much money is factored in too. I think right now I might be thinking of the possibility of music therapy. But I don't know much about it. I guess I should probably find out more about it before I make a decision.

My head really hurts a lot. But I figured something out. It'll all be over soon. Headaches aren't eternal, and in heaven, I'm not going to have these migraines anymore. For now here on earth, I might suffer a little bit. And sometimes it will get to be really discouraging - but not unbearable. Because in Christ anything is bearable, and we can find rest in Him despite the pain. I know one thing for sure - in heaven, it's going to be so perfect. All of these worries of life and complications that seem to make it so hard sometimes are all going to pass away, kind of like the physical being of our bodies. Everything of this earth will stay here. But our hearts and souls, which are eternal will go to heaven, where our home is. Once we get there, we will get to dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and it's going to be amazing. I'm looking forward to it. My heart longs for it.