Life

I signed up for my barrier jury yesterday afternoon. 10:45am on Tuesday, April 29th... I don't think I've felt this sick to my stomach in a long time.

The head's bad again tonight. I was sad...the closest I've been to crying in a while. But the tears still didn't come. I drove around for awhile around campus so I could get some thoughts out. I know my hope is in Him and I know that His grace is sufficient for me... but I have such a hard time praising Him through this. I don't run to Him, and my immediate reaction isn't to boast all the more gladly in my weakness, but rather, to let it defeat me.

Something at Riverview that was good to hear last night...

"Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
-Matthew 5:3

Maybe I should just go to God broken, and stop trying to be strong and act like everything is fine, when in fact I am in pain, and I need Him to help me. Maybe I should stop trying to bear the pain myself and let Him bear through it with me.

Sigh. I know God will whipe away all my tears when I get to heaven. Sometimes I wish I was there already. But I know that there's still work to be done here. I guess knowing that eventually the day will come when no pain will be felt is encouraging. But sometimes I don't want to bear it anymore. Hmm... But then again, Christ already bore that pain for me. So maybe I should be more joyful. Joyful in knowing that I don't have to feel this way. But the problem right now is, I do. I feel this way. I feel sad, and I feel a little bit broken.

I wish I could cry. I wish I could truly be broken before my Creator.
The day I get to see His face and know that I'm finally His... I don't think I will ever be as joyful as I will on that day. I can't wait.


Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
-Matthew 11:28-30