questions

I'm doubting Him right now. I wasn't earlier. I was able to get into the Word and start out my day in prayer. It was a good day. Last night was good too. Bible study was really encouraging, and I was able to be renewed with the knowledge that, the Word needs to be my daily bread. It is our defense against the enemy, and it equips us with the tools to stand firm in our faith...but sometimes I start thinking way too much for my own good, and my mind wanders. I should probably get these questions I have actually written out...

What is the point of prayer? I know we're supposed to present our requests to God and talk to Him. But if God knows all of our thoughts and He knows everything we need and want, then I guess I don't see the point all of the time.

Why did God create us to begin with? I know that He doesn’t need us. He could just live without us. So why are we here? Sometimes I feel like I’m really, really small.

Why did God harden Pharoah’s heart? What about Judas? I know He used both of them to carry out His plan, but what about them? The word says God is just, and I do believe that He is. I know our minds can’t possibly comprehend everything about God because He is so great, but I do struggle with these things. Sometimes these things hold me back from worshiping, or even being able to pray or read the bible – being able to fully see God.

Why was I chosen? The bible says that we are His chosen people. So what does that mean for those that don't ever come to know Christ? Were they not chosen? So if they weren't chosen, do they really have the free will to choose God if they didn't have a choice to begin with?

This next question, I’m almost ashamed of writing down. But it’s been bugging me for years, and I think it’s time I actually articulated it. Now, I know the word says that God is worthy of all praise and everything is to be done for the glory of Him. Now, maybe I’m just being ignorant, but sometimes I wonder why. Like, does He just do things to get glory for Himself? Again I'm ashamed - but I see it as Him being a little selfish (I hate saying that and am very ashamed). Maybe I’ve missed something, or maybe I’m just being stupid, but I truly only want to find the answer to this question, so my heart can be at ease when I’m singing worship music at Real Life… or when I’m praying… or when a friend tells me I need to do something for the glory of God. I’m tired of having feelings of resentment toward my Creator.

There's so many more questions that I have, and some doubts, but I don't want to write everything down right now. I feel like that would be overwhelming. I don’t know if I’ll ever find the answers to all, if any of these questions. However, I do know that I want to feel at rest. I have been bringing these things to God, just maybe not often enough, because they’re still there. My heart still aches. I have moments – even days at a time, like yesterday, where everything will seem fine. But then I’ll have moments – like today where everything comes flooding back into my heart and mind. This is when my head hurts the most. I just want these things to go away.

Lord, I pray that you would lead me into a place where I have full confidence of your being and your greatness. I pray that you would lead me into a path of lightness and peacefulness, so that I might have a time of praise for you, free of doubt and question, and my mind solely focused on You… the One who created the heavens and the earth, and the One who created me. Lord, I want to hang in there, yet I feel like I am failing once again. Bring me back to you, for the path of darkness is a lonely path. I have seen it, I loathe it, and I want nothing less than to experience you. Help me to understand.