Summer

So I go home in two days. I just finished a paper that was due at midnight, and now I have a sight singing exam in the morning. Then I'm done. I'll be a junior, which is crazy in itself. It's a bittersweet feeling to almost be done. For one, I'm so glad this school year is all done. It's been mentally and physically draining - probably the most I've had to struggle with in a long time. These migaines and headaches have been really debilitating. So in this respect, I'm glad to be done. But on the other hand, I'm not excited to leave East Lansing. I hate saying goodbye to people, even if it is just for the summer. And for seniors, I know that life still does go on, but it's still hard. You get so comfortable with life, and then it has to change. I guess that's how it's going to be - afterall, this is life - but again, it's still really hard. I don't really like it.
I'm also really not looking forward to going home for the summer. I've tried to have a change of heart about it, but I have to say that honestly - the only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing Steph get to do all of her senior things. I'm excited to see her go to prom, and graduate, and give her speech, and her senior recital, and all of that stuff. But otherwise, I'm just not excited. I don't see what the point of it is. I don't see God's purpose for me right now, and in all honesty, I still wish I was going to Virginia Beach. I want to go on Project so bad. I want to grow. I want to be challenged. I want to be in a community of believers. I want to be encouraged. I want to be discipled.

I guess I'm just frustrated. I'm unemployed right now, so all I'm going to be doing is taking summer classes (and online ones at that...) I don't want to sit around and twiddle my thumbs all summer. I know that I'm capable of not walking with Christ when I'm home. It's kind of happened my whole life. This is the first summer that I'll be going home as a renewed daughter of Christ. My hope is that I wouldn't falter, and I wouldn't stumble. But it's happened for 20 years of my life. I just don't want this to happen. I want to continue on this upward-path that God has set up for me this year. I'm afraid of doing this thing by myself, and being on my own this summer. I love the Body. I love fellowship. I love being pointed to truth and getting kicked in the butt when I need it. I don't feel ready for this year to end. It's been a good run. I don't want to leave.

Lord, change my heart. Reveal to me what Your plan is.