overwhelmed

I'm feeling a little defeated today. I'm believing the lies, and I know it. Satan knows it too.

This is about the time of year when I just don't feel very settled. I'm overwhelmed because there's so much pressure I feel like, with school right now. My jury is in three weeks, and I don't feel like I'm prepared. I want to hang out with people and still have a life, but I feel like the only thing I can do right now is live in a practice room. That makes me depressed. This is why I am not a performance major. I could never do it. I'm sad because friends are graduating, and I feel like it's unfair, because I haven't had that much time with them. I feel like God's done that this year. He's put some amazing people in my life, only to take them away next year. I know that people come and go, and there are seasons of different people that are in your life for different purposes, and yes - since we all have Christ we will see each other again. But since I can't see all of what God is doing, I'm a little bit sad I've only had such a small amount of time. I feel like this year God has grown so many friendships, and in such a short amount of time... it's been incredible actually. But now, lots of those people aren't going to be around next year. I know God will keep those relationships - which is comforting, but I can't help but be a little bit sad...

I've been thinking a lot about my major lately. I talked to a friend on Saturday about it, and I'm not sure what to think right now. I think I might have some sort of indication, but I don't know for sure. Do we ever really know for sure? Is there a point? I don't know if I'm being pulled in a certain direction or not. Music ed. has just been so discouraging lately. And the thing is, I used to love to teach. Secretly, I think I still do. But things haven't been so great, so I've completely lost the passion for it all. Lately I like to make myself think that right now I'm motivated more for school, but I know that it's only because I know I'm in a time crunch, and if I don't get it together, then things might not turn out very well. Where I'm a little confused is this... I don't know if there's not anymore passion or drive for music education because it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, or if God's just testing me. I guess I should probably pray about it.

I had an advising appointment today. If I were to switch to music therapy I would graduate a semester earlier than I would with a music ed. degree. It's comforting to know too, that I don't have to make a decision till next semester. If I switched my major today, I would only be able to take one therapy class because of where all the classes fall during the year. So I think I'm going to take it anyways, just so I can get a feel for what music therapy is. Okay, I'm done talking about this. I don't want to think about it right now.

I read some awesome scripture today out of Romans 5 and Isaiah 40...

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

-Romans 5:1-5

In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken... All men are like grass and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

-Isaiah 40:3-8

I think it's cool that Hope doesn't disappoint us. Let me say that again (sometimes I don't quite get it, and I have to repeat things to myself multiple times in order to truly understand... haha): When we have the Hope of Jesus Christ - our Savior and Lord, it will, and He will never fail us. Everyone and everything else in the world can, and will disappoint us at some point. And without Jesus Christ, this can seem discouraging. But, it's actually encouraging to know that there is someone there who can always be called upon... someone that I can always count on. And even when I don't call on Him, He's still going to be there and love me no matter what.