crossroads again

Woah, I have a lot on my mind right now.

Florida was good. It was good to get away from Michigan, where I was starting to feel suffocated. And the warm weather was definitely amazing. And I loved Disney World. I love that place.

I had a lot of time to reflect on things and think about things when I was in Florida. Like, when we were standing in all the long lines for the rides and shows and stuff... I was just thinking. I did a lot of thinking on this trip. I kinda wish I hadn't, because it made the trip less enjoyable, and I was a little restless, and wasn't able to completely enjoy myself. But I guess that's what I get for leaving right in the middle of the semester, knowing there's so much to do.

I got sick the second day I was in Florida. I have this horrible cold and cough and runny nose. And the flight back to East Lansing from Orlando was absolutely unbearable. My head was splitting. It still kind of is.

I kinda just want rest - you know? Like the kinda rest you feel, when you know everything is okay, and you have nothing to worry about. But my mind works twenty-eight hours a day. It's on constant overload, and I don't know how to stop it.

Before I left for Florida, some things became clear to me - things I was afraid and still am afraid to face. I need to get out what's in my head on here, because I feel like my thoughts aren't very coherant, and they need to be not floating around anymore.
Last summer, I finally was starting to "see" God for the first time in my life, and come to terms with who He was, and that yes, He indeed is real and very much alive. The doubts and questions I had for eight years didn't seem important to me anymore because there were things far more important, and everything began to look so small. So I'm coming to find now, that these things are still in the back of my head. Yes, it's different now because I know the Truth, and I know God is very much alive in me. But, sometimes these questions and doubts literally haunt me. Since I haven't dealt with them directly, and just assumed everything was fine and I didn't need to face them, I began to think that everything was okay. I made myself believe that I had a sort of peace about everything, when in reality I never did, and I still don't. I was believing a lie that I created for myself, and now I find myself at a crossroads once again. I allow these things to get between me and God, even though He is more important and sovereign than these things. Sometimes, I can't even pray, or sing worship music at Real Life or SCF, because I'm thinking about these things. I really am almost ashmed to admit these things, because I feel like I've been putting up a front - like I have it all together. But I don't. I'm a mess. How come the truth sometimes feels like it's not enough, and why is it that I still continue to struggle with questions and doubts, even though I know that I'll never know the answers to everything? And I feel like it's a cycle almost - like, I find myself unable to pray because I am distracted by everything. So how am I supposed to ask the Lord for guidance or help? On top of it, the migraines keep coming, and all I want is for the pain to go away.

Jesus, I am broken still. Realizing the lies I have been believing this year hurts. It hurts a lot. Lord, I truly do want to be in Your arms. But I feel like I am blinded all the time from Your truth. I know this is not of You. I know that what you want for me is only the best. Your word says that You have plans to prosper me, and not to harm me - that I have a hope and a future through You. So I know that You just want me to feel better, and I know that all that You want is for me to see You. But Lord, I come to you weary, and heavy laden. These headaches and these migraines are unbearable. Lord, they overtake my thoughts, and I have such a hard time focusing on You and Your truth when my head is pounding. I also find these questions and these doubts blinding. I know this is Satan beating me down. And Lord, I am not strong enough on my own to get rid of this lies and to overcome the sin. I need You to help me. I need you, Lord. I don't know what else to do.